My Innocence
by manwathiel elensar
Summary: A face from JD's past forces him to relive some of his worst memories. Second time round, could he lose more than just his innocence? WARNING: abuse, violence, etc. JDA. Please R&R 4 years on, I have finally UPDATED!
1. My Loss

**My first ever Scrubs story! Hope you like it. I'm trying to make it as Scrubs-esque as possible! Hope you don't find this chapter a little too bitty! Plus, Turk is slightly out of character in this chapter, but he's just stressed out.**

**I don't own Scrubs, or any of it's characters.**

_Italics are JD's thoughts - original eh:)_

* * *

_Working in a hospital you get to meet all kinds of different people. Optimists (flash to the Todd, chatting up a sexy female nurse)... Pessimists (flash to Tedd banging his head on the table chanting "why doesnt he just kill me now?")... Narcissists (flash to doctor Cox admiring his own reflection, grinning with satisfaction) Then there's the people who carry all of these traits... (flash to Kelso talking to a patient smiling "Don't you worry there sir, this heart attack will not kill you! Good news eh? Now all we need to worry about is that huge tumour swelling up in your lungs waiting to devour your last bit of health!" He turns and looks in the mirror giving himself a pleased wink.)_

JD shakes his head bringing himself out of his thoughts. _He is the devil... Anyway, from time to time someone comes into the hospital who seems to cleanse out all of the negativity._

"Good morning JD!"

"Ah good morning Mr. Dawson. How's the old ticker today?"

"Right as rain, son!" He replied with a beaming smile

_My God, how does he get his teeth so white?_

"How's my favourite doctor?"

Excited at the attention from his patient, JD bounced towards Mr. Dawson and sat on his bed like an eager little child waiting to hear a story.

"Oh I'm just great! You know, busy busy day! But I'm going out with Turk tonight to celebrate not being on call!"

"I bet you get a lot of girls when you're out don't you? You handsome devil!"

_He's psychic!... He can read my hopes and dreams..._

JD nodded happily.

"Oh well, I'd better get to doing rounds. See you later Mr. Dawson!"

"JD"

"Yes.."

"You want one don't you?"

"No... it's ok" _Dammit why'd you say that??_

"Not even a little bit?"

"Oh go on then!" _Genius, the "I don't want one" ploy works everytime!_

Mr. Dawson laughed while handing JD a "sugar-free" lolly and putting an "I've been a brave boy" sticker onto his scrubs.

_Ah, thank God for sick dentists..._

"Thanks Mr. Dawson!" _The chicks are gonna dig this._

"One more thing JD..."

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever lose your innocence. People will try to bring you down, make you as pessimistic as they are, because they know they cannot touch you. They respect the fact that you just accept things, and others as they are. There is loveable quality to you JD which can sometimes make you an easy target. People know you couldn't hurt a fly so they may take advantage of it. Ignore these people JD, they will only cause you heart ache and grief. Stay smiling."

_Geez, I wasn't expecting that._

"Thanks Mr. Dawson" _I walked out of that room knowing it was going to be a good day. What a nice man, if not a little strange._

* * *

_As I stood at his bed side looking at his lifeless body I recalled those words. I will commit them to my memory word for word. Dont lose your innocence. What did that mean? _

Dr. Cox approached JD from behind.

"You be ok?" _I'm not sure_

"I'll be fine"

"Good... by the way, Shirley?... I've just selected you to cover the graveyard shift tonight. Karl called in sick, so look happy." _Bastard._

"Fine"

* * *

**2 hours later**

"Fine?!!" _Oh no, I forgot about Turk. _"JD don't even pretend you forgot!" _Damn you mind reader!_

"Ok, maybe I didn't forget. But we can go out another night can't we?"

"Dude, do you realise how little time we get off call? You gotta stick up for yourself man! Tell Cox you're busy!"

"Come on!! Why does this matter so much? Like I said we can do it another night"

"What? So you don't upset Cox? What about me JD? Do you realise how many times you've let me down because he's got you on his leash? It's pathetic." _I'd never seen Turk so upset or offended._

At this point Carla decided to jump in.

"Baby, leave Bambi alone. You know what he's like. Let him work if it makes him more comfortable."

Turk just shrugged off Carla's attempt to diffuse the situation.

"You're dissin' me man, all 'cause you got your head so far up Cox's ass you can see out his mouth!" _Right, I'd had enough._

"You know what? Screw you Turk!" _Turk looked surprised I could even get annoyed and eyed me questioningly. I carried on, it was too late to back out now. _"Yeah. Screw you! You know you put just as much pressure on me! "Act cool JD, chill out JD, dang we need to get you some dancin' lessons JD!" You're supposed to be my best friend, like brothers! Start acting like it..."

JD walked towards the door shaking his head, obviously shaken by his outburst.

_Oh great, more confrontation. _"Get out of the way, Turk."

"And if I don't?"

"Turk, baby, come on. Let him go."

_All of a sudden I saw Turk round on Carla, I'm sure he wasn't going to hit her or anything, but he shocked her and I didn't like it... so I grabbed him by the arm. It wasn't my best moment ever but I wasn't going to have him falling out with Carla over me._

"What the hell do you think you're doing man?! Don't scare her like that!"

JD pulled Turk around with an almighty yank which was answered with a huge clenched fist to the face. He felt like he'd been hit with a brick. Stars appeared in his vision causing him to lose balance, on his way to the floor he cracked his head on the table. Then all went black.


	2. My Nausea

Turk stood staring down at JD in shock while Carla brought him round.

"What the hell has gotten into you today? How could you hit JD like that???"

Turk still said nothing, he could barely move.

"Turk?!!"

Carla's shouting brought both Turk and JD back to life.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I really am... JD? JD? Is he coming round?" Turk rushed towards his best friend, kneeling to get a better look at his head.

"I'm sorry dude, I'm so sorry"

_I felt what I can only guess as Turk grabbing me by the shoulders. I was pulled into a sitting position only to hear a rather muffled Carla telling him to be careful._

"He might have concussion, he hit his head pretty hard."

_Typical Carla, always telling people what to do, anyway why am I... Wait a minute... Turk hit me._

Suddenly JD focused his eyes remembering what had happened.

"JD, dude, you ok?"

_For some reason I felt this overwhelming urge to get away from Turk. I knew he didn't mean to hit me, I suppose it was just defense mechanism. But I backed away none the less._

"JD? Please, I'm not gonna hurt you man, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that."

_I managed to regain my balance enough to stand up. The world still seemed fuzzy and wobbly but I managed it._

"Bambi, sit down. You should not be moving around yet, I need to check you for concussion."

_Always telling people what to do._

"JD, we need to talk about this. I'm sorry man!"

"It's ok" _It's ok? That's all I could come up with? It's ok? No it's not ok. You just punched me. And now I'm walking away! I can barely stand for God's sake. Keep walking JD, keep walking, ow my head hurts. I wonder what they're talking about right now._

* * *

"Baby, I should go after him. I need to explain."

"Turk, you know he'll only listen when he's ready." Carla put a comforting hand on his shoulder and grabbed his hand. She led him to the nearest seat. "Sit down, baby... now at this moment I am more concerned about you. JD will be fine, but something's going on with you. What is it?"

"I've just had the worst damn day. One of my patients died in surgery, the son's talkin' about suing, then I got a call to say that my dad's dyin'. It's just been all bad news. I'm stressed out."

Up until that point Carla had been sympathetically nodding, purely to humour her husband, after all, doctors dealt with death day in day out. But his father? That wasn't right.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry, when we're you gonna tell me?"

"Just before JD came in to tell me about tonight. That was kinda the last straw. I really needed a night out of this damn hospital where I could just talk."

"You know you can always talk to me don't you, Turk?"

"Of course, baby. But you know it's different with JD. He doesn't make conversation, he just... listens." Turk looked towards his wife sheepishly.

"I listen too, Turk!"

"I know you do, baby... I know you do."

The couple sat quietly for a few minutes, each contemplating their own thoughts on the situation. Then Carla spoke again.

"So, are you going to go and see him?"

"I dunno. I dunno what to do. I've not seen him in such a long time... it would be like visiting a stranger rather than my dad. I don't even know if he'd wanna see me. "

"He's your father Turk, he'd have to be mad not to want to see you. Remember, it's you who won't forgive him...not the other way around... Sweetie, just have a good think about this. I don't wanna push you into making a decision too quickly, but I think if you don't see him, you'll always wish you had. Put the past aside hey?"

Another moment of silence passed between the pair which was then interrupted by Carla's pager.

"Oops, sorry baby, I gotta run." She kissed him quickly on the cheek, as she dashed out of the room Turk vaguely made out the words "Think about what I said, Oh and apologise to JD! He'll understand."

_I sure hope so._

* * *

"Oh Lucy, look at the state of you." _Oh God, Dr. Cox. _"Been spending too much time in front of the mirror dancing, complete with tank top and hotpants have we that we are too tired to stand up without the aid of the reception desk? Come on, Newbie, get it together. Or else I might be forced to fork out enough money – from my own pocket I may add – to send you to that little girl's ballet summer camp you've always wanted to go on, purely to get you out of my way."

Cox moved closer to JD curious as to why he seemed to be getting no reaction from his protege. Grabbing him by the shoulder he started to turn him around "Oh sweetcheeks, I see we've also been painting our face pretty colours to make you look more feminine than-"

Dr Cox cut himself short when he saw blood dripping from the side of JD's head.

"Has someone been having cat fights Susan?" _Shut up Cox_

JD started to walk away from his mentor. Dr Cox noticed immediately that JD was unsteady but decided to let him walk on anyway just out of spite.

"So Susan, did a patient do that?" _He actually sounds concerned._

"No."

"Then who did?"

"Doesn't matter" _I felt myself wobbling, I didn't know how much further my legs would take me. Damn you legs. All of a sudden I felt a huge wave of nausea sweep over me, I must have stopped walking because Dr Cox was all of a sudden next to me._

"I think you'd better sit down, I think you have a bit of-"

_Then I threw up. Great._

"Concussion."


	3. My Shock

Dr. Cox examined the mess on his shoes, "Good God Newbie, you just had to do it didn't you?"

After JD had been sick, Cox led him into the staff room and made him lie down on the couch. Dr. Cox had perched himself on the arm rest to allow himself to get a good look at the injury.

"Couldn't help getting me involved in your problems yet again could you?"

"I'm sorry" JD went to sit up only to be firmly pushed into a lying position again by Dr. Cox.

"That's a pretty nasty head injury there Barbara. You're going to need sutures so I wouldn't go sitting up any time soon."

"But Dr. Cox I need to work!" _Kelso will kill me!_

"You're not gonna be doing any work in this state. Looks as if you covering that shift is off too. But don't worry Newbie, I will find someone else to do it... someone who isn't a constant disappointment or a complete disaster. As a matter of fact, for the amount of work you actually do around here that is really worth anything... oh, wait... what am I talking about? Relating you to having some sort of worth? Now that would be re-hea-lly stupid of me. Now stay here. I'll get those sutures."

_Sometime during that speech Dr. Cox had stood up and raised his voice as I found myself looking up shielding my eyes against the bright lights surrounding the tall shadow before me. Those lights are so bright! Dr. Cox was pissed. I felt awful, I should have been covering that shift,not making extra work for him. But to be fair, I hadn't asked for Turk to punch me. I will have to make it up- _

"Sit up Susan." _But I thought he just said..._

"I know I just said don't, but it will stop you falling asleep."

_Good old Dr. Cox, I knew he cared!_

"Ok."

_I could feel Dr. Cox's hands pushing on my head and the pulling of the sutures on my skin and once again I felt nauseous. I think Dr. Cox noticed as he suddenly started asking me questions._

"So Newbie, what happened? Somebody take a shine to you?" Dr. Cox asked with a smirk.

"No. Just a disagreement."

"Oh, and let me guess... I should have seen the other guy??"_ I decided not to answer that, I really didn't need to be made fun of._

"Ok, muffin. Seriously now, what happened? Who got handy with their fists? Because if it was a patient or a relative you know we can have them removed don't you?"

"No, no. Well, yes I know that... but.. uh.." _How could I say this without getting Turk into trouble. Dr. Cox was bound to be annoyed. There was no other way than to tell him straight. _"It was Turk."

Dr. Cox stopped seeing to JD's head and looked at him face to face. _Here it comes.. _Then he started laughing... "Ghandi?!!" _Why is that funny?_

"Well, I never knew he had it in him. What happened? Did he finally realise his true love is Carla and he has been confused about his sexuality all along? Would you not let him go? I mean, I know a girl can dream, but even Ghandi was out of your reach. I bet you couldn't believe your luck, and now it's all over... and look at you. Bruised and heart broken."

"You know Dr. Cox, you really do have a warped mind."

_Who am I to talk? I thought that he would come through for me just this once. That's even more stupid. I think I'll tell him that._

"But then who am I to talk? I thought that you would come through for me just this once. That's even more stupid." _As I finished that sentence I felt Dr. Cox cut the end of the sutures and I knew he had finished._

"Oh, well in that case I am so sorry JD. You know I care about you a lot and I hate to see you hurt. You are the best doctor I have ever had the privilege of teaching"_Yeah right. _"No, truthfully! You have actually been like a second son to me all this time. I've just hidden it from you because I was worried you might not feel the same."

_I eyed Dr. Cox for a second. He actually looked like he meant it. This is the day I've been waiting for since I came here! What do I do??!! Thank him!! Thank you Dr. Cox! OUT LOUD YOU IDIOT!_

"Thank you Dr. Cox." _Phew, I really must stop doing that. _"You really don't know how much that means to me. And thanks for suturing me up!"

"It's my job."

"Yeah... well... thanks anyway" _He's smiling at me, he's smiling... oh no, he's frowning, he's frowning..._

"Good God Barberella, you actually think I care about you? Even after all this time, you actually think I care about YOU? This is the same Perry Cox that was sat here ten minutes ago and newsflash Priscilla! He'll still be the same when he's walking out of that door a few seconds from now-"

"But-"

"No buts Newbie! I put up with your constant questions and stupid remarks because I have to. I do not _choose_ to have you here. Believe me, if I had a choice, you would not _be_ here, but unfortunately I do not have that luxury, so I teach you. I teach you to make sure the finger of blame does not point at me when you've killed ten people by giving them the wrong medication or giving them a wrong diagnosis. I don't do this for you Newbie, I do it because it's my job. No more, no less..."

_I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, this was the first time Dr. Cox has truly hit a raw spot. Before, I always thought there was something under lying all of that aggression and hate. But this time I knew, there were no two sides to it. This was all I had to work from. This was the first time I realised that Dr. Cox truly did not care about me. That hug I had dreamed of since the first day I started was never going to happen. I was never going to receive the respect I had always craved. And all because of what? A bit of concussion?_

"Now get out of my sight, you're pathetic."

JD stood rather unsteadily, the room still felt like it was swaying. None the less, he made his way to the door, stumbling on the thick carpet a couple of times. Before he left the room, he turned to Dr. Cox who was watching him through piercing eyes. He pointed uneasily at the sutures.

"Well... thanks... anyway.. for this." He then made a quick exit out of the staff room.

Dr. Cox sat himself down on the cheap, yet surprisingly comfortable couch deep in thought for a moment. Eventually, running over his words to JD became too much for the doctor and he allowed his head to rest in his hand while the other rubbed the back of his neck.

_What have I done?_


	4. My Final Straw

**Hey everyone, thanks all the reviews so far. Keep 'em coming! I'm really enjoying writing this story so hopefully I cankeep updating as quickly as this. And trust me, the rollercoaster has hardly even started yet!**

* * *

Elliot was in the cafeteria trying to decide between fries or vegetables when her thoughts were interrupted.

"Elliot?! Did you not hear me?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry Turk! I was trying to decide which is more fattening, fries or veg."

"Uh.. Elliot, I think it might just be the fries.."

"Really? Well you've obviously not seen what they put in those vegetables!"

"Well get the fries then."

"Yeah, you're right. I should get the vegetables. You're so decisive!"

For a moment, Turk found himself looking at Elliot as if she'd dropped off another planet. _Well, this is Elliot. Snap out of it._

"_Anyway, _Elliot what I wanted to ask you is have you seen JD?"

"Um, no why?... Oh! Wait, yeah. Dr. Cox sent him home – with a pretty good tongue lashing too – or so I've heard!"

"He sent him home?"

"Yeah..why?" She asked while blowing the loose strands of hair out her eyes.

"No matter, thanks Elliot"

Before Elliot could say anymore on the matter Turk was already leaving the cafeteria.When she'd turned around, he had gone. _Oh great, lunch alone again._

As Turk rushed down the corridor he felt his shoulder collide with what could only be described as rock solid muscle. _Dr. Cox._

"Watch it Ghandi. Taken a leaf out of your girlfriend's book and started day dreaming?"

"Carla doesn't day dream."

"Oh, I beg your pardon, I should have said your wife.. _or _soon to be _ex-_wife if the tales are true."

"W-What?" _No wonder JD looks confused half the time, this guy makes no sense._

"You.. hitting JD... or did he inject himself with concussion to get sympathy?"

"What? JD has concussion? Where is he?"

"Don't worry Chocolate, I've sent Vanilla home! Oh, and while we're both here, I would really like to thank you for punching him as it has been something I have dreamed of doing since the day I met him. But on the other hand, can I also reward you on your impeccable timing as he was supposed to be covering a shift tonight which he can now no longer do and no prizes for guessing who has been roped into covering for Priscilla? Yes, ding ding ding ding ding, correct answer! Me! Now I just want you to know I am holding you personally responsible for this so now would be a good time to let your family know your last wishes."

_Yep, now I understand a lot of JD's behaviour, zoning really does block him out._

"Ok Doc, now I'm gonna ask you somethin'... If you've sent JD home, then who's gettin' him there? 'Cause he sure as hell better not be drivin'!"

_I always knew Dr. Cox could be son of a bitch to JD, but until I saw the look of confusion on his face at that very second, I hadn't realised how little he actually considered his safety._

"Don't you dare tell me that he could be drivin' home with concussion! I can't believe you didn't think about that!! He could have had an accident, hit someone, gotten himself killed! What were you thinking??"

"Woah! Slow down Ghandi. I am not his nanny. He is a grown woman now and he can make his own decisions. If he has been stupid enough to get into a car in his state then that is not my fault... not my fault, nor my problem."

"You know as well as I do that when he is upset, he does stupid things! Like that time I slept with his ex-girlfriend and he tried to jump into that bag of used syringes just to get away from everyone. And you're not the only one who's been hearin' tales. What's this about you upsettin' him?"

"I did not upset him. I gave him a few home truths! If he can't take then – _again... _not my problem."

_This guy is unbelievable, does he not realise how sensitive JD is?_

"I will tell you this then, if anything bad has happened to him.. I will _make_ it your problem."

"Oh mummy.. I'm so scared. The big boy in my class is picking on me! Wah, wa-"

"Happened to who?"

_Wait, I know that voice... JD!! He's okay!! I spun around to give him the hugest hug but I must have startled him because his eyes went wide and he jumped back. God, his eye is a mess. Did I really hit him that hard?_

"Dude, I was so worried. I thought you were drivin' home with a concussion!"

"Well, actually I was about to... but then I realised I felt a lot better so I came to check if that shift was still going?"

_I saw JD eye Dr. Cox nervously. Whatever had been said, it had knocked him on his back._

"Oh Sheila, so _now_ you want to work?!"

"I never said I didn-"

"Well you can't... you look like crap. You'll make the patients sicker than they are already. Just go home."

_At this point I decided to interrup. _"Eh, Dr. Cox. Now we're back to the original argument of how?"

"He can wait in the staff room until the end of your shift then you can give him a lift home Ghandi. See? A name well-earned."

"Yes, that's all gravy, but one small problem - my brother's gonna have to wait another 5 hours in this place until I can take him home."

_JD looked at me confused_

"My shift has been extended by 4 hours."

"What?!" _What? What's wrong with JD now?_

"What?"

"Your shift was extended?... So we couldn't have gone out tonight anyway?"

"Well... I didn't know that _then"_

_I could feel JD's gaze piercing into my mind, unlocking the truth about this whole situation._

"Oh my God, you knew all along. You were annoyed about something else."

"No, JD it wasn't like that."

"Don't lie to me Turk, you know I can tell. I won't be annoyed." _Maybe honesty is the best policy._

"Ok, yeah I did."

"What?? You knew? Yet you got annoyed with me and ended up doing this to me??!... How could you Turk?"

"JD listen," _There wasn't much I could do now other than tell the truth. Even if discussing it in front of Dr. Cox was slightly embrassing. _"I'm sorry, I've just had a really tough day. I'm getting sued by some jerk who thinks I murdered his father and then I find out that my own is dying and wants to see me!" _I never realised the irony of it all until now. _"But dude, please know, I never meant to take it all out on you."

"Oh man, I'm so sorry. Your father... that sucks. I...I really don't know what to say."

_What? This isn't JD. Nothing to say?_

"I know you probably really need somebody to talk to right now, and I really would like to be there for you. Truly, I would. But – I just... can't..right now."

"JD? Is this your payback for me hitting you or something? 'Cause I really can't be more sorry for that, dude. Like I said, I didn't mean to take it all out on you!"

"Well ...you did. Like everyone else does. Everyone dumps on good old JD because he never says anything, he never sticks up for himself. Spends most of his time "day dreaming"or in a fantasy world, thinking about women's clothing and the numerous men I have supposedly married. Good old JD, who gives people tips like "Maybe somebody jammed a penny in the door, that could be why it's broken" and gets tormented everyday for it. Good old JD who everyone turns to for cheer and a bit of support but never receives any in return. Well I tell you now Turk, and you for that matter Dr. Cox, I have had enough. You didn't wanna take anything out on me? Well you did...and I can't take anymore."

_Not once had JD raised his voice during his upset. Then I realised, JD has been an easy target to many people over the years. Most likely because of the very traits that make him so endearing. Had I not been looking into his eyes and seen the tiredness in his mind it would have been very easy to once again sweep his complaints under the carpet and pretend nothing had been said. I wanted to laugh, but something in his face told me that if I did, I could lose my best friend for good. Unfortunately, Dr. Cox did not have the same common sense._

"Oh BRAVO Newbie! You finally grew a pair!" Dr. Cox clapped his hands enthusiastically until JD turned to face him. His expression stopped his mentor dead in his tracks. Both Dr. Cox and Turk saw the hate that radiated from the resident's mind and for the first time in his life, Dr. Cox knew how it felt to look for approval from somebody who obviously has nothing but contempt for you. He finally understood why today had been the last straw.


	5. My Weakness

**This is all a bit slow moving at the moment, I'm not completely happy with it, I'm just trying to get my bearings so I can set the pieces in motion. Hope it'll satisfy until the next installment though.**

* * *

"Hey Carla!"

Carla was leaning over the reception desk examining a patient's file when she looked up to find Elliot standing over her.

"Oh, hey Elliot"

"What was up with Turk earlier?"

Carla pushed herself up so she was in eye line with her friend.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he was looking for JD before and he seemed a bit stressed out. Or maybe I stressed him out... I have been quite stressed lately, maybe it rubbed off on him.. Oh no, i probably annoyed him.. Do you think I annoyed him?.. Why's Turk annoyed with me Carla?"

Carla eyes gradually got wider as Elliot's voice speeded up, she placed a hand on her friend's shoulder to calm her.

"Woah! Elliot, slow down. Turk's not annoyed with you."

Elliot seemed to visibly relax and she blew the loose strands of hair out of her eyes in her usual quirky way.

_I wish she'd just decide what to do with that hair._

"So if he's not annoyed, then what's wrong with him?"

Carla looked Elliot in the eye then scanned the room for eavesdroppers, finding none, she continued.

"You promise not to say anything?"

"Promise!!"

Elliot leaned in to receive the top secret information.

"_Well_, JD and Turk had a bit of a fall out earlier. It ended with Turk punching JD!"

"Oh my God, is he ok?"

"I think that's why he's a bit worried, we haven't seen JD since but I hear Dr. Cox gave him a right going over, so he must be around somewhere."

"Ok, well I gotta scoot! I gotta give Mr.Burton his insulin, He's been diabetic for 3 months and is still terrified of needles! Mind you, his wife has tried to stab him with the syringe on one or two occasions, so maybe that explains a few things.. Anyway, I will keep my eye out for JD and I'll page you if I see him!"

Used to Elliot's constant rabbiting Carla was already back to the patient file scanning the pages for the information she needed.

"Ok, sweetie, see you later." She replied absently.

* * *

Turk found JD sitting in the emergency waiting room after paging him numerous times to ensure he hadn't driven home.

"Hey dude, am I glad to find you. You had me worried about you driving again!"

Turk sat himself down on the seat next to JD, he scarcely noticed.

"JD?" He turned and touched his best friend on the arm.

JD jumped slightly at the touch as if he had been woken from a deep sleep. Automatically Turk felt terrible. _Must be the concussion._

"Oh, hey Turk"

"Hey man." When he knew he had JD's full attention he continued "Dude, I gotta tell ya, I'm so sorry about the whole punchin' you thing. I know I've said it already, but I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. Look at what I've done to you. I deserve a hell of a lot more than a mouthful, what can I d-"

"Turk," JD interrupted. "It's ok man. I understand. I over reacted. I know how I felt when my dad died. When my true feelings came out I felt as if I could have killed someone there and then. I'm sorry for having a go at you."

"No JD-"

"Honestly Turk, It's fine. If you ever need to talk about your dad, I'm here for you man." JD leaned back into the uncomfortable plastic chair and put his arm around Turk's shoulders.

"Aw, thanks dude. I really appreciate it."

"Oh – my – God, Newbie. There I was trying to shake off that tongue lashing you just gave me from back when you inserted your temporary big boy spine, and here you are now already apologising to the so-called friend who knocked you unconscious earlier. For God's sake Shirley go to the store and buy yourself some common sense. You're nothing but a punch bag to those around you, and until you start showing some sort of strength you're just gonna be e-heverybody's doormat. Please, just for once, listen to what I am telling you. I think you are weak, I think you are pathetic, we will never be friends and I will never consider myself your mentor."

JD was just about to speak when Dr. Cox cut him off.

"Ah! Here we go with the apology. Do you see how much of a doormat you actually are Newbie, I just insulted you four times there and you still went for the apology. What the hell happened in your life to make you so submissive?" At this JD shifted uncomfortably, this did not go unnoticed by either Dr. Cox or Turk. _What was that all about? I think I'd better stop this._

Turk stood up to cut Perry off.

"Ok Dr. Cox, that's enough. You've made your point. Both me and JD, and probably every other person in this damn hospital understands how much you like to humiliate him. Now let's go -" Turk turned to find JD's seat empty and caught a glimpse of him heading up the corridor towards the surgical department.

Turk turned on Dr. Cox looking him straight in the eye.

"I hope your happy."

As Turk headed for the door Perry couldn't help but shout after him.

"Oh, I am Ghandi! Needed to be said"

_Poor kid_


	6. My Talent

**My longest chapter yet! Enjoy!**

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_It can sometimes take a bit of time to forgive someone for upsetting you. Truth of it was I had already forgiven Turk. He has always been there for me in some way or another, even if it was through sometimes making me feel like a total dork. But Dr. Cox is a completely different story. He has been there for me, true enough, and although I doubted it before, I know he cares – even if he does tell me I'm worthless and that he hates me... Ah, who am I kidding? The man detests me. For some reason, this time I'm finding it hard to forgive him. Maybe it's because I assumed that he would come through for me when all other doors were closed, or maybe it's because I finally realise that the man I idolise is not the sort of person I want to become after all. But whatever it is, it's left me feeling sick. I think I'll just wait for Turk to finish his shift, there's no way he will let me drive home anyway._

_So here I am, walking towards the OR having left Turk and Dr. Cox in the emergency room... Probably still arguing. I'll probably just crash in the on-call room tonight, maybe I'll be lucky enough to hear a bit of on-call room nookie ...mmmm ..._

"Hi, are you a doctor?"

JD jumped as he was dragged out of his thoughts by a young trainee nurse.

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. Oh my God your face! Are you ok? Sorry, I thought you might have been a doctor! I don't know many of the doctors! All the ones I'm looking for are busy, I was hoping you could help me. Sorry." The young nurse then started to walk on in search of another doctor.

"Woah, it's ok! Don't sweat it, I'm a doctor" _But I am no use whilst I'm concussed._

"Oh, that's great!! You're not.. busy, are you?" She looked at JD expectantly.

"No, no, of course not!" _Yes, yes, you are! You can't work in this state. Tell her damnit!_

"Oh, thank you so much Doctor..."

"Dorian. Well I prefer JD."

"Oh well, I'm Rebecca. Nice to meet you. You have no idea how long I've been looking for a doctor in this place! They all just kept walking past me as if I was invisible. You were the first one to notice! Anyway, what it is JD is I have been told to keep my eye on a little boy who's been admitted with a broken leg, numerous cuts and bruises and a couple of fractured ribs. A doctor was supposed to come and talk to him like 3 hours ago about how this has happened and they still haven't been. In the meantime the father has come in demanding to see his kid, I've told him that at the moment he's unable to see his child but now he wants to know why, and until a doctor has spoken to him I'm not comfortable with not letting him see him. He's a big guy, and pretty tough looking too! And I-"

"Ok, that's fine. So, what are you wanting me to do exactly?"

"Speak to the child and maybe find out what happened?"

"What?" _I hate child abuse cases _"I'm not even a paediatrician."

"I know... well I didn't know that.. but it's just talking. I would do it myself, but I'm only new and I really wouldn't know what to say. I just need to know what's going on, because if this guy comes back and we still don't know I'm worried he might snap. Please?" _Oh John Dorian, you're too soft._

"Ok... I guess I could just have a little chat to the kid. But I can't promise anything!"

"Oh, thanks JD! Your a lifesaver!!"

_Ok, I knew I shouldn't really be doing this. But she needed a helping hand, she's new, sometimes people forget how hard it is starting out in a hospital. And also she is fiiiine. Anyway, what could go wrong with doing a hottie a favour? Just talk to the kid and leave. No one will ever know._

"Pumpkin, where are you going?" _Now that's just bad timing._

"I, uh, thought I'd say hello to a few of the children in paediatrics.. You know how I love kids?!"

_Oh, the hatred. It oozes from every pore._

"Listen Newbie, I am not deaf and I am certainly not stupid. If you really think you're going to talk to yet another kid about an abuse case you've got another thing coming. You get yourself too involved and too emotional. And do you really think that nurse doesn't know who you are?"

Rebecca jumped slightly when Dr Cox gave her a side glance.

"Do you ever wonder why people miraculously seem to come across you when there is a problem with an abuse case? It's because eh-he-heverybody knows that John Dorian cares too much and wont say no. They come to you to shovel off all the crap they can so they don't have to deal with it. So what do you say kid," _Kid? _"Do you tell 'em where to shove it? Or do you go in there - for free I might add considering your shift finished what? Two hours ago and listen to some sob story about how mommy doesn't love me and daddy gets his belt out every night, then have to deal with said daddy as he punches you in the nose and kicks you in the ribs just as a tribute to the last time you dealt with an abuse case?"

"You know, abuse is not a joke."

"Yes, genius I know, remember, alcoholic father, handy with his fists? But if you decide to keep dipping your hand in the piranha tank one day you're gonna get bitten. Play with the cards you're dealt Newbie, don't take someone else's cards too. Honest to God, this is me being helpful."

"That is you being helpful? By telling me what a pushover I am and calling me kid, thinking I'm gonna come running? Granted, I normally would.. but not today. Have you ever considered that maybe people come to me because I'm good at what I do, rather than just using me because I won't say no? And now I'm stuck in a case of, do I help the child and look like a complete doormat? Or do I follow you and shocker! I will still look like a complete doormat. So I think I will choose the option that actually helps somebody other than you and your self-esteem...Good day Perry."

_Yes, that told him. Now, walkaway without looking back. You can do it._

"Fine Newbie, have it your way. 'Cause God forbid that you were ever anything but a disappointment to me."

Cox stared after JD just long enough to see that the comment had hit home, noting the drop in JD's posture and lowering of his head. Satisfied he had won this round, he made his way to the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee and a snack.

"Hey Thomas. I'm back, I've brought a friend of mine I'd like you to meet. This is Doctor Dorian. Now be nice to him ok, he's got a poorly eye kinda like you!"

* * *

"Hey Thomas. If you want you can call me JD, do you prefer Thomas or Tom? Maybe Tommy?"

_Ah, no response. This is always a difficult situation because until the kid starts talking you never know quite how to approach them. Poor kid, he must be so scared. Wired up to all these machines, in pain, not knowing whether the person who did this is about to walk through the door. Or maybe that's just me, but that thought still terrifies me. Maybe I should have listened to Dr. Cox after all._

"Well, I'm guessing you're a Tommy. You have that mischievous look about you. I bet you're a right little prankster aren't you when you get going? You look like the kinda kid that would put cling film over the toilet seat or something funny like that."

_Yes! A smirk. Rebecca is looking at me like I've just worked miracles, the kid obviously hasn't smiled since he got here. I would like to pretend that I have a natural rapport and sixth sense for detecting what kind of person a patient is. But I don't. Most nine year old boys are pranksters, and even if they aren't, cling film over the toilet seat is hilarious to any kid. But if it works, it works._

"It's Tommy."

"Ah!! I knew it!! I'm psychic you see. Ask me anything!"

Tommy seemed to liven up at the thought of playing a game and JD relished the fact that he had got the youngster to smile.

"What's my middle name?"

JD closed his eyes and moved his index fingers to his head then rubbed his temples as if receiving some sort of message.

"Robert!"

"Nope"

"Ok then... Christopher"

"Nope"

"Oh... Ok, I know!... William!"

"Yes that's right! How did you guess?"

"No guessing involved little man! Like I said, I'm psychic!" _Plus I can see his chart from where I'm sitting._

JD gave Tommy a few seconds to gather his thoughts. They both knew what was coming and what needed to be said, but figuring out how to say it was a completely different matter. Rebecca sensed the change in mood and decided it was her cue to leave.

_Ok, time to go in._

"So, uh, Tommy. You're in a pretty bad way here pal. You wanna tell me what happened?"

"Playing sports." _Yeah right._

"Oh right, wow. What were you playing?" _Hit the pinata? And you were it?_

"Uh, basketball."

"Must have gotten pretty rough. Weren't playing with the big guys were you?"

"Mmm..."

"Those big kids. You know, when I was your age, the big guys picked on me too. I was so scared of them, it was hard because at the time, they seemed so big. You know what I mean?"

Tommy nodded in response.

"But I'll tell you now little man, these big guys don't seem so big when you're grown up like me. And there are plenty of grown ups in here who can help you out if you want them to leave you alone. What do you say? Are you ready to join the army against the big guys?"

Again, Tommy nodded.

"Ok, but first you gotta tell me what happened. We can't recruit dishonest soldiers you know!" _God I hate this part._

Tommy shifted uncomfortably and pulled himself into a sitting position, much to the disagreement of his cracked ribs.

"My dad..."

JD looked the child in the eyes, urging him to continue.

"He hits me... not all the time. Sometimes when he gets drunk, he just gets so annoyed. I left my truck on the stairs. He got so angry, he's always telling me to keep my toys upstairs but I forgot and he smashed it up..."

Tears were welling up in Tommy's eyes as he recounted the story of how his father had pushed him down the stairs and repeatedly kicked him in the ribs until he decided he wanted another drink. Then Tommy told of how he waited until his father had passed out on the couch to crawl into the streets to be found by a passer by. All he could remember was reaching the sidewalk and then next thing he knew was waking up in a hospital bed.

JD waited for the child to calm down before continuing. He did not want to distress Tommy any more than he already had, and on the other hand he could feel tears welling up in his own eyes waiting to betray his "strong doctor" facade.

"Well can I just tell you how clever you were to go out into the street to be found. You know, if you hadn't you would be feeling at least five times the pain you are feeling right now! Trust me. You did a good thing. I also just want to ask you one more question." _Here it goes, the hardest question a doctor will ever ask. Be too vague and you may not get a clear answer, but be too forward and you may scare him off. Find a happy medium._

"Right, um, did your father.. ever try to um, touch you somewhere you didn't feel comfortable with?"

"What do you mean?" _Oh thank God, that usually means no._

"Well, around your... private parts? Did he ever touch them, or make you touch his?" _I feel sick._

"No, why?" _Oh Good God, thank you. I always find that the sexual abuse part is always the hardest to deal with. Abusing a child in any way is completely disgusting in any body's eyes, but there is always a huge stigma attached to sexual abuse. And the embarrassment of putting the kid through a physical exam when they know what you're looking for._

"Oh, no reason buddy! Ok, you've done really well, I'm proud of you. Now what I need you to do is wait here whilst I call a nice lady who will come and speak to you about what you've just told me. You won't need to tell her everything, she will already know because she's psychic like me. But she'll decide whether you get to join our army against the big guys, ok?"

"Um, ok. JD?"

"Yeah little man?"

"Will you be here when the lady comes to see me?" _Damnit, don't get too involved. You've done your job, now go._

"If you want me there, I'll be there! Now you get some rest! New recruits have to be fit."

"Thank you JD."

_At that moment, I knew coming back to that kid would be worth it. Involved or not, it didn't matter anymore. I was helping him, that was the important part._

JD left the room, called a social worker to arrange an appointment for Tommy and then approached Rebecca to tell her the situation.

"Ok, we had a little chat and he told me his father did that to him. You will need to give him some pain killers 'cause I noticed they are due to run out in the next thirty minutes and those fractured ribs are gonna hurt. Everyone working in this department needs to be informed that the father is _not _to see his son and if he does return, which he will at some point he needs to be told a social worker is coming in to assess the situation. Tommy's appointment is tomorrow at 12 noon, I will be back so don't worry about that."

"Ok, but I'm sure Doctor Terry can deal with it from here. You don't need to worry, I was just stuck, that's all. But thank you so much for your help JD!!"

"Hey, it was no trouble at all. But Tommy has asked me to be there tomorrow, so I kinda feel I shouldn't let him down, but after that, he's all Terry's patient." JD smiled at Rebecca knowing full well that she was thinking that Dr. Cox was right all along.

"Oh dear, Donna" _Once again, on cue._

"What do you do? Follow me around or something?"

"Today yes, because a) you have concussion and you should not be working and b) I knew you couldn't resist getting too involved and I enjoy rubbing my correctness in your face." _Is correctness even a word?_

All of a sudden the sound of shouting cut through their conversation.

"I want to see my son!!!! How dare you tell me what I can do with my own son!!!" _The father._

_As usual, as I do in any high stress situation, I panicked and froze. I hate violence and I was this man was not going to be friendly. In the back of my mind I recall Dr. Cox saying 'I know that voice' and then Rebecca calling for his help. Time seemed to slow as I watched Dr. Cox approach the man from behind and grasp his arm. The man was tall, seemed to be mid to late fifties but he had his back to me. I could tell the situation wasn't calming down as Dr. Cox looked pissed. _

"Newbie! Explain to this man why he cannot see his son!"

_And just like that I snapped back into action, trust Dr. Cox to drop me in it!_

JD approached the man, hands shaking trying to focus all of his energy on stopping his voice from quivering, he needn't have worried. The man threw off Dr. Cox and spun round, stopping dead when he saw JD.

JD also froze mirroring the man's wide eyed expression, although he looked a little more scared.

This time, everyone surrounding the pair seemed to freeze too, waiting for one to make a move.

JD suddenly loosened his stance and looked to the floor.

"I think we need to talk." The man said nothing.


	7. My Ultimatum

**Just wanted to say a quick thanks for all the great reviews. I'm glad to see everyone's enjoying the fic. This chapter is where everything is gonna kick off so hope you're not disappointed! It's not that long though, but oh well, i'll tease you:)**

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_I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I turned to enter the nearest empty room. It was as if everyone was staring straight into me, looking for the answer to the question I knew everyone would be asking. "How does he know that guy?" Then my mind turned to him. My hands were shaking and I could feel waves of nausea and shivers running up my body. I never thought I'd see him again. Before I knew it I was entering the room and turning to close the door behind us both._

"Uh, Tammy, what are you doing?" _I knew Dr. Cox would not be happy, but he didn't understand. That conversation was gonna be awkward. I couldn't look at him so I just shook my head, shut the door then turned the lock. Why did I turn the lock? I knew there was a window in the door and I also knew damn fine Dr. Cox would be watching. But I couldn't worry about that now._

JD brought himself away from the door to find the man sat down with a chair facing him which had obviously been placed there for JD. JD pulled the chair away from the man slightly and nervously sat himself down. The man did not break his gaze.

_Why does he have to look at me like that?_

JD took in a deep breath trying to calm his nerves, the adrenaline rushing through his body was making him slightly light headed. That did not help.

"I, uh, hadn't heard you had a son."

As much as he tried to cover it, his voice came out weak and shaky, almost like it hadn't been used for two years. He managed to bring his gaze up to meet the man.

"Yeah, well you wouldn't have, would you?" In comparison to JD, the man seemed extremely confident and very comfortable in this situation. Once he got over his initial shock he seemed to take pleasure in the fact that he was making JD squirm.

"Well, no. I- I guess not." _Come on JD, get some balls. _"He's a... good kid."

"Yep."

_Just get to the point, tell him what he needs to know, then get rid. Have the kid transferred, you'll never have to see him again._

"Right. You do know a social worker is coming in to speak to him tomorrow don't you?"

The man leaned forwards placing his elbows on his knees and looked JD straight in the eye. JD in turn pushed further back into his chair.

"And why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Well...he... does kinda have a broken leg... and cracked ribs." JD was still completely terrified around the man. His body language was that of a naughty child waiting to be told off. The man sensed this and in return shifted his chair closer to JD just to see the look of panic on his face. When he received what he wanted, he leaned back in his chair and started laughing.

"If only your dad could see you now! The effect I still have on his precious son. You never thought you'd be seeing me again did you?" JD didn't move, he had no idea what to expect if he did, so he stayed still. "DID YOU?!" Startled, JD furiously started shaking his head. "But in a way, for me, this is a happy coincidence. With you being my son's doctor and all, perhaps we can come to some sort of... agreement about how to proceed with this whole social worker situation. Don't you think?"

After re-running what the man had just said to him JD finally snapped back into the present. He didn't like where this was heading. But unfortunately it wasn't only his own safety that was on his conscience, now it was also that of the 9 year old boy he had recently befriended. This was going to be difficult.

"Dave, what are you suggesting?" _I hate saying that name again. It gives me shudders._

"Don't play stupid Johnny," _I hate my own name more. _"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You do me the favour of getting the social off my back, and I will forget about giving you a few... refresher courses." Dave reached his hand out to stroke JD's knee but the second it made contact JD leapt out of his chair.

_Oh for God's sake why did you just do that? Pull yourself together!!!_

Disappointed in his visible weakness, JD walked towards to wall and leaned against it looking to the floor. Dave was watching him the whole time.

_You will not be scared, and you will look him in the eye and tell him straight! You will NOT be scared. You have to protect the kid, he is your priority._

"You know I can't do that. My priority is ensuring that my patient has a safe environment to return to and if that means calling a social worker then that's what I have to do. I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do."

_After that I felt a little stronger, I saw what looked like acceptance sweep over his face and the mood in the room seemed to calm a little... Then came the eerie silence. I watched him intently as he sat on his chair seemingly staring at the floor deep in thought. Slowly, he stood up. My body stiffened but I told myself, whatever happened I would stand my ground. I wouldn't flinch and I definitely wouldn't run. Silently he started stepping towards me, almost as if he was thinking about each step he was taking and how he could increase the tension. This had to be the deep breath before the plunge._

"Ok... fine" _Or maybe not._

"You know what Johnny?" _He looked me straight in the eyes effectively pinning me with his gaze. I couldn't move, even if I'd dared to._

"All those years, I told myself, and you... as you probably remember, that it was about me and your dad. All of it. Every little thing that went on. I wanted to upset him, I wanted to hurt him for how he hurt me. But deep down... I knew that wasn't true. Deep down, I didn't really care for that bitch he stole from me. But I always convinced myself I did. And do you know why Johnny?"

Dave moved his body up against JD's pushing him into the wall behind. JD became even more rigid and shuffled his feet trying to move further back but found himself trapped. He could feel hot breath on his ear which sent cold shivers of terror down his spine. He then felt a firm hand placed on his chest, he breathed in deep.

"Because of you. All along it was between me and you. You made me lose control, Johnny. Everytime I saw you, your vulnerability, your innocence, your weakness, it made me want to control you. And it was so easy. Seeing your pain for me was like a drug. It gave me a rush. And you've not changed one bit."

_Those last words made me feel sick. How could he still be doing this to me? I'm 28 now for God's sake and I'm still pinned up against the wall like a scared little child. But in a way, that's exactly what I am. A scared little child. From the second I saw him I've only thought about him from a child's point of view. It's only now I'm actually realising that I am in fact nearly as tall as him. He's still big, but not anyway near as big as I remember him. As good as that made me feel to realise that though, I still couldn't move. I was brought out of my thoughts by two rough hands grabbing onto the neck of my scrubs and pulling me round and straight back into the wall. That had definitely been the breath before the plunge. My back moaned in pain but nothing could cover the turmoil my mind went through when I felt his lips crawling up my neck and his foul tongue sliding along my jaw line._ _I could hear a loud banging at the door as I finally felt my body start to struggle to get away but he was just too strong. I could also hear my own voice of it's own accord, quietly pleading him to stop. It didn't work. Instead I decided to concentrate on the banging. It had to be Dr. Cox. How embarrassing was this going to be. I couldn't think about that now but I certainly didn't want to think about what was happening to me._

"Johnny" _Damn it, he always had a way of bringing me back to the present. That was when I realised he had been kissing me and I had been unconsciously trying to turn my face away._

"That's just a taste of what you'll get if you don't help me out. And trust me, next time I won't be as gentle."

With that Dave pulled JD away from the wall and shoved him across the room where he tripped over a bed pan and feel onto his side.

"Always were clumsy."

Dave reached into his pocket, then opened the door where Dr. Cox was waiting. Cox grabbed the man by the collar and pushed him onto the floor.

"You bastard!"

He went for the punch only to be stopped in his tracks by a spray to his eyes. It temporarily blinded him and stung like hell. Although it was only temporary, it was long enough for Dave to get the upper hand and kick Dr. Cox off him. He barged past the nurses gathering at the door and escaped unharmed.

Security arrived only a few seconds later. But it was too late. He was gone.


	8. My Case

**I'm finding I'm writing a bit more in my chapters now. Once again, thanks for the amazing reviews. My head is swelling. I fear I may not make it through the door now! Sorry the chapters aren't dead long, it's not the way I write unfortunately! R&R please :)**

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_I've never felt so angry in my life. My eyes are burning like hell, they won't stop watering either. Damn pepper spray. I hope security got the bastard._

Dr. Cox was sat propped up against the wall rubbing his eyes from where he had been sprayed a few moments before. There were three nurses all fussing over him offering to rinse out his eyes and checking for any other possible injuries.

"Ok, here's the deal, you've all got three seconds to get your pretty little hands off me and leave this room or so help me God... you have no idea how pissed off I am right now... 1... 2..."

In truth, he didn't even need to count, the young nurses quickly made their way towards the exit the second they saw Dr. Cox focus his eyes and start talking.

_I may have been put down by a patient's father, but I haven't lost my touch as least. I looked towards Newbie to find two more nurses prodding at him. He wasn't moving, just staring. My God, that stare. The last thing he needs is an invasion of space._

Dr. Cox did his usual whistle to draw the attention of the two women.

"1... 2..."

The Nurses looked at each other in panic and struggled to get to their feet without falling over. They both ran out of the door, closing it behind them.

_How was I going to approach this now? He is the last person I would ever want to speak about something like this to. Why did I have to follow him here? Before I can speak to him there is a knock at the door._

"What?!!" It was Rebecca.

"Mmm... Dr. Cox, sorry to uh, interrupt I was wondering though do you need me to call the police? He got away."

Suddenly JD snapped out of his trance and sprung to his feet. He dashed in front of Dr. Cox to stop him answering, his face was wild with panic.

"NO!! Please, don't! There's no need, there's no need!! Please Dr. Cox! Please?!" _Good God Newbie. I shout at the nurse to leave us alone then grab the crazed psychopath that has taken over Newbie's body by the shoulders and give him a hard shake. He's a mess._

"For the love of God Ginger, pull yourself together. I am _not_ going to call the police. Do you know why? Because this is your problem, _not_ mine. I repeat, this – is – not – my - problem. I would have thought you would have learned by now that I don't wanna deal with this, I don't even wanna hear about why there was a man old enough and clearly ugly enough to be your father...forcing himself on you in there." _God, that was hard. He breaks my gaze, I can tell he's disgusted. What's worrying is I can't work out whether he's more disgusted at me.. or himself. It's a self-loathing I have never really noticed in him before, but deep down I always knew was there. _"But unfortunately, Annabelle, there isn't much I can do about that now. I wish I hadn't... seen what I did, but there are many things I wish hadn't happened, say marrying Jordan for example... And sleeping with Jordan... no, in fact... meeting Jordan... altogether was one of the most terrifying experiences, of my life, and it's still not over. But it's a bit late to be worrying, you just gotta do your best with what your given.. so, let's talk."

Dr. Cox realises he is still holding JD by the shoulders, he takes advantage of this and leads him to one of the chairs and sits him down.

"Who was that man?"

"The kid's father."

"His genuine father?"

"Yes! His genuine father, what do you mean by that?!" _I stare hard at Newbie, trying to get him to understand. A look of recognition crosses his face then he starts to become uncomfortable. I knew I had heard that man's voice before, this has just confirmed it._

"I gotta go."

_Before I can say anything the kid is out of the room and down the corridor. Damn._

* * *

_I'm walking down the corridor away from Dr. Cox. I can feel him watching me, and I don't care. Three nurses ask me if I'm ok as I walk along. Oh my God, did they see? What are they thinking about me? Oh my God Dorian, breathe! My head feels like it's swimming. I keep feeling his breath on my ear, his hand on my chest, his stiffness pressing up against me. The feeling of complete helplessness. I think I'm starting to have a panic attack. What if he comes back for me? Oh my God, oh my God, he could come back. I can't catch my breath and my legs stop functioning, I feel myself fall to my knees as years of repressed memories and emotions come back to the surface. They are overwhelming me, drowning me. I can feel two arms around my waist, holding me up,but I can't see anything. All I can see is his face. I'm sure I'm crying. Again I feel hot breath against my ear, I panic and ask him to stop hurting me. I think I said it out loud, then I hear Dr. Cox say "It's ok Newbie. It's just me. Get him sedated." Then for the second time today, all turns black._

As JD's body went limp, Dr. Cox strengthened his hold on his protege and pulled him up. He turned to the four panicked nurses and one panicked intern that surrounded him.

"Well... no need for the sedative."

Unfortunately, the intern just so happened to be Doug.

"Um, Dr. Cox? Is... JD ok?"

Dr. Cox stood up, still with his arms tightly wrapped around JD's waist but allowing him to dangle like a rag doll. He shook him about emphasising the fact that JD was in fact, unconscious.

"Take a close look at this Deg? Dig? Dag?-"

"Doug.. sir."

Cox growled in response.

"I wouldn't worry yourself too much about this one, because he's just fine and dandy. I mean look at him! He's the picture of health. I was thinking maybe we could take him out for a meal, buy him a bit of shell fish and then after that maybe take him to the movies. After all, he's probably a hell of a lot better off than most of your patients are at this very second, considering that most of them are probably on their way to the morgue in their oh-so-fashionable black body bags. Because my God, you really are setting a trend with those things. Now, if you want to make yourself useful go and get me a God damn gurney for the kid before I decide to make him into a marionette and be done with it. Then after that you can feel free to get out of my face for a long, long, long, long time – and OH look at that, the nurse beat you to the gurney so I suggest you move, leave, go, get out, now!"

As usual, Doug made a hasty retreat, deciding that he still rather enjoyed life and would prefer to not lose a limb anytime soon.

Dr. Cox put JD on the gurney and wheeled him down the corridor into an empty patient room. A nurse followed checking JD's pulse and other vitals as she went along.

"There's nothing wrong with him. Just a simple panic attack, that's all. Now please, just go and leave the kid alone."

The nurse glared at Dr. Cox, obviously not feeling threatened by his rudeness.

"Fine... but if I see you shaking him around like that again I'm gonna find him another doctor. Oh, and by the way, you are aware you are still in paediatrics? Because he doesn't look like a child to me!"

_He did earlier._

"Ok, attention lady, he does not need a bed, he does not need a nurse, especially a completely incompetent one who points out things like "you are aware that you are in paediatrics" when it's blatantly obvious considering that the whole room is covered in pictures of cartoon birds. Look, he just needs to wake up and clear his head and he is not going to be able to do that with the annoying sound that comes out of your yapper everytime it flaps. So zip it Betty, and just let me talk to him. Mmkay?" Dr. Cox gave her a sickening smile. He was answered with the nurse leaving and slamming the door.

Finally being allowed to have a quiet moment, Dr. Cox could feel all of the emotions from the last hour's events all fall on top of him. He collapsed into a chair and looked down at JD unconscious on the gurney.

_What is wrong with you Perry? You can't even put the kid on a gurney straight. He needs you, and you react by being an ass to everyone and throwing him around whilst he's unconscious. Looking at him, I can't believe how innocent he looks and how anyone would want to put him through such turmoil. But then I think about how I had been with him earlier. Telling him he was useless and that I hated him. I cringe when I think of the words. 'What happened in your life to make you so submissive?' Ironic how quickly that question was answered. I think about that big man pushing Newbie against the wall and the fury I felt when I couldn't get to him to stop it. The sight of him completely frozen while that bastard did whatever he wanted made me feel sick, it made me want to punch something. But the worst feeling was knowing that the person I was truly angry at was myself. God damnit, if I hadn't spent so much time berating the kid, I might have taken a little more time to look at why he takes all that crap, or why he spends so much time day dreaming or bending over backwards to accommodate people. Damn. I had missed so much. But still, I knew damn fine that when he woke up I wouldn't admit any of this to him. Do you know why? Because it's just too darn easy to be horrible to him and it would take too much of my energy and my feelings to be any different. Dr. Perry Cox, the coward. First class._

* * *

_As I woke up, the first thing I saw was Dr. Cox. Well, there's a first time for everything. I heard myself groan slightly and I turned onto my side as I felt nauseous. That movement was shortly followed by me coughing and wretching up the remaining bits of food in my body. It was a stark reminder that I hadn't actually eaten in many hours, not since my run in with Turk earlier anyway. Dr. Cox was already prepared for my sickness, which just reminded me of what I great doctor he is and how much I still want to be like him._

"How you feeling Dorothy?"

"Going for the musical theme now?"

"Nope, but good idea."

_Damn it, why can't you keep your mouth shut?_

"Here, drink this. You need some fluids." Dr. Cox handed JD a large glass of water but told him to sip it slowly, reminding him he did not need another sick coloured pair of shoes.

"Thanks..." _What am I doing here? _"Dr. Cox?... What happened?"

"You had a panic attack Annie, you got yourself so stressed out that your body decided it needed a break."

"A panic attack? I've never had one of those before."

"Um... well I suppose it's not everyday you get groped by an older man with a bad haircut."

_What is he talking about?_

Then all the memories came flooding back again.

_Oh my God! Dave! I remember! I need to speak to Tommy._

Dr. Cox was deep in thought, wondering why he always had to be such a bastard to the kid when JD swung his legs off the gurney and tried to stand. Dr. Cox quickly intercepted this move however, and reversed it so JD was lay back down again. Cox couldn't help but notice how JD flinched and panicked when he went to touch him. He knew he shouldn't but he couldn't help but feel annoyed and slightly offended.

"And where do you think you are going?" _I'm a nervous wreck. I can't even look my own mentor in the face anymore. I'm so embarrassed._

"I need to talk to Tommy."

"What? To ask him what his real name is, perhaps?" _What?Why does he keep saying that?_

"Hell, you don't think it might be Christopher Walker, do you?"

"Christopher Walker?? Why- ... Oh." _Holy crap._

"Yes – 'oh', indeed."

"How did you-"

Dr. Cox pulled out from behind him an old patient file and interrupted his intern.

"Ok Sandy, here's the summary for you. This patient 'Christopher Walker' was admitted when he was 16 years old with a shattered knee cap, a broken arm, _six_ broken ribs and a fractured skull. He was also covered in bruises and welts and had numerous scars from previous attacks. There was also evidence of regular sexual abuse. The kid didn't wake up for two weeks and when he did he wouldn't speak or give us any information regarding who he was or where his family were. The kid was like a ghost. Then after 8 weeks in hospital, the kid's nearly recovered, but the docs have decided not to discharge him until they find out who he is." JD eyes Dr. Cox very carefully.

"They tell the kid this, and two hours later he gives them a name and an address. Christopher Walker. Then almost like magic, this man comes into the hospital claiming the kid is his son and he has been in Africa for the last two months. _Likely story. _But none the less, they don't let the man in to see the kid, but some stupid nurse manages to let him slip through her fingers. An hour later, the kid's gone."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"You know why John, or should I call you Chris?" _How does he figure these things out? I stare at him for a little while trying to figure out what he is thinking. He always seems so comfortable in every situation. It sets me on edge._

"How do you know about that case?"

"It's the worst damn case of abuse I've ever seen.. still... I was also the intern who spent an hour everyday trying to get you to talk to me." JD's eyes shot up to meet his mentor's. _Oh my God, how could I not realise?_

"Now Newbie... spill it."


	9. My Reality

**Wow, how quick am I writing this? Maybe I should keep you waiting a little longer for the next one... say when I have 60 reviews... I'm a tease :P Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

Still stressed out from his run in with Dr. Cox, Doug was nervously racing down the corridor to get to rounds when he found himself colliding with Elliot who was just leaving a patient's room. Both ended up on the floor.

"Ow! Frick! Oh God, I'm so sorry!" Elliot quickly spat out worried about who she'd offended, then she noticed who it was. "Oh, Doug. Hi! You okay?" She reached out her hand to help him up. Her and JD had always had a soft spot for Doug, as much as they felt they had it tough sometimes, they would never trade places with the so-called "nervous guy" of the hospital.

"Um, hey Elliot. Yeah, I'm okay. Um, I've come back to do rounds because Dr. Cox just told me to leave him alone again."

"Aw, Doug. What happened this time?" She put her arm on Doug's back and led him over to the Nurse's station where Carla was once again stood. She was always good at handling these things. Doug was still shaking in his usual way and Carla took him by the arm and sat him down.

"Come on sweetie. You really need to stop taking what Dr. Cox says so seriously. Half the time he's just pissed off at something going on in his own life rather than something you've done. If you don't get over this phobia soon Doug and start strengthening up, he's just gonna keep walking all over you."

"Yeah Doug, Carla's right. I bet you didn't even do anything wrong. Was it something to do with this patient?" Elliot grabbed the chart out of his hands. "I'll check it. I bet there's nothing wrong at all!"

"Um, no... Well, yes. Um, I was going to ask him about the patient, but then JD collapsed and I jus-"

"WHAT?" Both Carla and Elliot stared at Doug as if they had seen a ghost. This only made Doug more nervous.

"Um... uh...Well, I- I asked if he was okay."

"No Doug! What do you mean JD collapsed??" Carla looked at Doug impatiently.

"Um... I don't-"

"Somebody collapsed? Oh my God, did they hit their head? Are they insured?... Was it our fault?... Are they still alive???... My God they're gonna sue. It's over, they're gonna sue. Come on, Ted, think.. write them a letter.. no-"

"Ted! Nobody's gonna sue!" Carla's frustration was starting to wear thin.

"Oh thank God." Ted then switched back to his usual blank expression and continued down the corridor as if nothing had happened.

Despite the situation, Elliot and Carla couldn't help but watch this strange "Jekyll and Hyde" character for a moment longer, no doubt wondering how a man so terrified of the law had become a lawyer.

Both women shook their heads and returned their thoughts to the problem at hand. This time Elliot tried.

"Ok Doug, what happened to JD?" She looked him straight in the eyes, trying to calm him. It seemed to work.

"Um, well one minute he was walking along, then the next... um, he couldn't breathe, I think. Um, Dr. Cox grabbed him and I think JD asked him to stop hurting him, or something. He was trying to get away. Um, it kinda looked like a panic attack.."

"Alright, well where is he? Is Dr. Cox with him now?" Elliot exchanged a worried look with Carla.

"Um, I think so. He was in paediatrics. I don't know if they are still there."

"Paediatrics?" Carla turned to Elliot. "What was he doing there?"

Elliot was already moving away from the desk, 'doctor mode' setting in.

"I dunno, but I'll go up there, see what's going on, you go and find Turk. He's needs to- umph!"

"Woah, Elliot watch out, you'll make Carla jealous."

"Turk! Carla was just going to come looking for you!"

Turk felt his wife's arm grab his forearm and drag him down the corridor.

"Wait! Baby, stop! Where are we going?" He tried to dig in his heels, but as always with that relationship, Carla won out.

"No time baby, just come. I'll tell you on the way." With that the three worried companions dashed through the hospital.

"I'll just, um... stay here then... " Looking to see if anyone was listening, finding no one, Doug got out of the chair and started towards rounds. "Oh.. O.. K.. then."

* * *

"_Now Newbie... spill it" It's been ten minutes since Dr. Cox said those terrifying words. The reason why I know it's been ten minutes is because I have been near paralysed since he spoke them and the clock is in my eye line. I have mentioned very little to him about what happened to me when I was younger, I have never had any intentions of speaking to somebody about my past as much as I would like to, but how do you explain it? Especially to Dr. Cox. There's no way I would willingly supply him with extra ammo to hit me with. But now, because he's realised he was involved in my treatment when I was younger, he seems to think he has some claim to my experiences. I just keep trying to ignore the fact that he is sat staring directly at me. Almost trying to read my thoughts. This is slowly turning into a battle of wills. He must be getting annoyed enough to give up soon._

"Look Newbie, you know damn fine I don't wanna be here." _So you keep telling me, then why don't you just go??? _"But as much as it pains me to say it, and don't get all smug on me now. I don't think my conscience would actually let me walk out on you at this very moment... I have... wondered about that kid I saw as an intern for 12 years. Often wondered whether he was alive, whether he got away from that life, what he became. For that kid to be you.. it... it makes me sick to my stomach. Please, do not mistake that for me caring about you, because... I really,_really _don't. But to think that kid has been following me around and I never noticed... that's what makes me sick. If anything Newbie, I need you to talk to me to help me get over the fact I couldn't help you as a kid. I've been given a second chance. So have you. Take it."

_I looked long and hard at Dr. Cox. Were his eyes watering slightly?... No.. don't be stupid. He would never cry over me. He stared right back at me. He wasn't trying to persuade me any more, it was now up to me whether I confided in him. It was at that moment I realised what a fool I had been. This was Dr. Cox for God's sake. The man I have looked up to and respected ever since I started working at this hospital. This is the man I aspire to be like one day, and I was pushing him away because I wasn't sure if I could trust him? That was Dave's handiwork, making me doubt myself and others around me. But no more. I wouldn't ever want to be like Dr. Cox if I didn't absolutely trust him. So I made my decision._

"Okay... I'm ready. Just ask me what you need to know.." _Oh my God, oh my God._

"Newbie, you know it doesn't work like that." _I do? _"You start wherever you feel comfortable. It's not about what I want to know."

_Where the hell do I start? I suppose the best place is at the beginning. But how did it all start? It all seems to merge into one long nightmare that goes on forever, with no real beginning and no real end. Yet, along with it comes the feeling that it never happened at all. Memories keep flashing into my head, all jumbled, all confused. Piecing the puzzle together is the hardest part. It's almost embarrassing, I can hardly remember something that has 'supposedly' affected me so much. I feel like a fraud._

"I seem to remember I was about 8 at the time. I don't know though, I'm trying to go off my school teacher, who I think was Mrs. Sampson, which would make me... yeah 8." _When did I start talking?_

"My parents had split up about a year before and my Mom had just got together with the guy who would be counted as her second husband. My Dad was living just down the road at the time in this nasty bedsit. I always wanted to move out of Mom's house and go and live with my Dad, but he could barely take care of himself. Never mind having a kid living with him too."

_I found myself thinking back to the times I would go round to his house and find him trying to iron his curtains or cook his dinner and inevitably, he would end up setting fire to something, even doing the washing. _

JD smiled to himself. Dr. Cox watched him and couldn't help the urge to smile sadly back at the kid, as he knew he was trying to block out the bad memories with the good. The smile suddenly left JD's face and he looked to the floor then continued.

"But, uh... my Mom wasn't really much better. This new boyfriend of hers wasn't the sort you would like to, as they say 'introduce to your parents'. He was into alcohol, and drugs, and after the divorce my Mom had been on a real low. She turned to the stuff he offered her I suppose to escape from her depression. But it made things worse. She spent half of her time passed out on the couch, the other half she would spend out partying. I could go for weeks without even speaking to her. Thankfully though, although it was her boyfriend's fault she was in this mess, he worked enough to support us. We would have starved if not for him. Although, I never realised it at the time." _I kinda shocked myself there. I had always hated that boyfriend back then. I always thought I still did, but now when I think about it, I owe my life to him. _

"Anyway... at this time, Dan spent a lot of time staying over at his mates house and taking advantage of the fact that our Mom never actually cared where we were. That's probably why he's so attached to her now... He didn't see the things I saw."

"What did you see?"

_I got a shock when Dr. Cox interrupted my thoughts. He was obviously wanting to know more about the other stuff... of course he was. He didn't want my life story. Just move on to the stuff he needs to know about._

"JD, I am not trying to rush you." _Is he a mind reader? _"I just want to find out as much as possible from you. If it takes a bit of time then, okay. Don't try to tell me anything you're not ready to yet. I just thought I'd give it a whack."

"No, Dr. Cox. It's okay..." _Now, where was I? _"Well, I would sometimes walk in on them injecting themselves, and other times I would find my Mom rolling around the floor in her underwear, which as you can probably imagine was... quite embarrassing. At times like that I would go round to my Dad's. He would talk to me about the new woman in his life... Julie, she was called. He would also talk to me about his best friend Dave..." 

Dr. Cox's expression hardened at the mention of the man's name. Then he realised JD had gone silent again. This time, he decided not to interrupt.

The two doctors sat in complete silence until JD felt confident enough to carry on.

"He, um, he told me that this woman, Julie, had been Dave's ex-wife. Apparently Dave had been upset at first, but after a week he wasn't bothered. I thought that was a bit strange, but I didn't question it. My Dad was happy... so I was. He invited me round to meet them both. I couldn't remember it before, but I do now, it was a really sunny day, start of the summer holidays. I wanted my Dad to be proud of me so I put on my nicest shirt and trousers and made my way round. On my way, I saw Dan. I remember him laughing at me being all dressed up and he got me in a head lock and messed up my hair. As usual, his friends all called me names. I hadn't seen Dan in a week, so I was just pleased he was still alive... So.. when I got there, I knocked on the door. This huge man answered. It wasn't my Dad. He bent down and shook my hand and introduced himself as Dave. I remember trying to smile back at him, but I couldn't manage it. He was the biggest guy I had ever seen at the time. But thinking about it now, compared to my Dad, even Randall would be huge."

Dr. Cox gave JD a confused look but he continued none the less.

"Anyway, Julie couldn't make it. I spent most of the afternoon talking to my Dad and to.. Dave.. about random stuff. He seemed really interested in what I had to say. To be honest... I liked him... I liked him a lot... So, when he... it happened... the first time... that made it so much harder." _This is so hard. I've spent all this time talking, trying to avoid getting to this part. But there's not a lot more I can say without sounding completely to blame. What are you gonna tell him? How you would visit your Dad nearly everyday in the hope that Dave might have been there so you could have a chat? How you accepted every gift he gave you with a hug and a kiss? How you sat on his knee and let him put his hand between your legs because you liked the way it felt? I'm disgusting. I knew exactly what he was doing when he did that. But still, I let it happen because sometimes.. God damn it, it was stimulating. Sometimes I would even ask him if I could sit on his knee! I so deserved it. He probably thought I wanted it in the beginning... if I'd said no he probably would have just stopped... This internal battle is what I have had to cope with over the years, I always think that he must have known what he was doing... but then on the other hand if I had just had the balls to say no, it probably wouldn't have started in the first place... So who's to blame there? Oh, damn.. Dr. Cox is watching me still..._

"So, what happened...the first time?" _Sometimes a simple question can just help you to regather your thoughts._

"I went to the bathroom... he followed me. My Dad had gone to the store to get some ice cream so he wasn't in. I tried to leave as I wasn't comfortable peeing in front of someone but he took me by the shoulders and sat me on the side of the bath. I remember him saying, 'Be a good boy now and take off your pants'. At first I didn't want to but he told me I could trust him. 'This is how guys bond'. And of course, stupid me, I believed him. Then he pulled out his... well... you know..." _My head is starting to feel slightly woozy again._

"And then... he, uh-"

The door burst open.

"JD! Are you okay? We heard you collapsed." He had nearly jumped out of his skin.

Carla, Elliot and Turk all rushed around JD as Dr. Cox sat back in his chair obviously annoyed at the intrusion.

After listening to three people bombard JD with questions for what he considered 'long enough' (which in reality was more like 5 seconds) he did his usual whistle causing the noise to subside.

JD found himself in shock. He had not expected somebody to interrupt his one-to-one with his mentor and when they had it brought him back to Earth with a bump. He was no longer in his dream-like state where he had almost disassociated himself from his memories, it was no longer like telling a story. It was in the cold light of day that he actually realised he had to face Dr. Cox after this. Then suddenly, he had the overwhelming urge to leave. He stood up, causing Carla, Turk and Elliot to panic.

"JD? Where are you going?" Elliot tried to grab his wrist.

"I need some air." JD walked out of the door.

"Then let me come."

She went to follow him only to be stopped by Dr. Cox.

"Don't Barbie. Let him have some space."

She looked at Cox wanting to get annoyed with him, but she knew that wouldn't help. So she sat down.

Dr. Cox walked towards the window to see JD shuffling towards a bench in the parking lot. He noticed how JD now seemed a lot more alert that he had been during their conversation.

_Damn, I've lost you._


	10. His Mistake

**Hallo everybody. Sorry I have taken so long getting this chapter up! I've had a bit of writer's block. I knew where I wanted to get to in this chapter, but I couldn't think of how to get there! But here we are. I'm not sure if I'm completely satisfied, I'm not too happy with my characterisation in this chapter, but it shall stay like this none the less. **

**By the way, when I post the next chapter the rating will go up to "M". So don't forget to check there instead!**

**P.S. Reviewers, I love you all xxxx**

* * *

"What did you do?"

_Here we go with the interrogation. I turn away from the window to find a clearly annoyed Carla staring up at me with her classic "don't-mess-with-me-or-I-will-end-you" face. I'm not complaining mind, I could do with engaging in some ball-busting myself, but not with Carla. The woman is just so damn hard to argue with, she's almost as stubborn as me. Almost._

Dr. Cox taps his nose then folds his arms in his patented style, clearly preparing for battle.

"I take it you are talking to me?"

Carla moves forward slightly to show Dr. Cox that she is not scared of him.

"Yes, I am talking to you. What did you do to him?"

Looking slightly confused, Dr. Cox cocks his head to one side and furrows his eyebrows.

"Please, _please_ continue. I am just _so_ intrigued as to where you might be going with this... really."

Dr. Cox looked seriously at Carla, she returned the stare and crossed her arms in a similar fashion to her long-term colleague.

"Look, I'm just trying to find out what happened! We hear JD has collapsed, apparently from a panic attack, we also hear that you just so happened to be following him around when he collapsed and _somebody _overheard him asking you not to hurt him. And I swear to you, if I find out his collapse had anything to do with you, and I mean _anything _that stethoscope of yours will be shoved so far up your-"

"Okaaay!" Dr. Cox grinned uncomfortably at Carla. "Let me get one thing straight... Newbie does not need my help to get stressed out. If you haven't noticed, the kid is practically a ticking time-bomb of nerves all just waiting to explode at any moment, so!... Here's the inside scoop..."

He continued in a mock whisper.

"Sometimes it's best to get the full story before throwing accusations around. Honestly, listening to some of these brain dead peons does nobody any good."

Carla raised her eyebrows at Dr. Cox, clearly uncomfortable that she had offended him. She went to speak but was cut off by Cox waving his hand dismissively. At least he was back to his normal voice.

"What Stephanie does, and what happens to him is none of my business and it is definitely not my problem. And Carla, _you_ of all people should know, I don't care about this, I don't care about him, Hell, I don't care about anyone. And what I find...really funny is the fact that you come in here and start accusing me of hurting the kid when it was your husband who started all of this by knocking him unconscious earlier! You see, I don't feel the need to pretend to like him and then do the dirty deed."

"No! You just punch him when his father dies instead, don't you Dr. Cox?!" Turk was starting to get annoyed too. JD was his best friend and he wasn't going to be accused of disliking him.

"Turk?!" Carla turned to her husband feeling slightly frustrated that he had only poured more gas onto the fire.

"Oh, careful now Ghandi. Don't run too far off your leash. You know old wifey over there likes her dogs house trained, and there you go just taking a big old dump on the porch."

Elliot who so far had been stood on the side lines of this argument tried her best to stifle a slight giggle at Dr. Cox's biting remark. Mainly because she knew it was true, Carla did wear the trousers in that relationship and Turk did tend to behave like an obedient puppy from time to time. But, unfortunately for her, the giggle did not go unnoticed.

"You got somethin' to say?" Carla was now turned towards Elliot with her "Carla from the block" pose. Hand on hip and finger pointed directly at her clumsy friend.

Elliot's face automatically straightened and she quickly mumbled out some indecipherable apology.

"Yeah? Didn't think so."

"Baby, come on, this isn't Elliot's fault"

"No, of course not baby..." Carla smiled understandingly at Turk... "'Cause it's yours isn't it?!"

Turk's mouth dropped open at the allegation.

"What? How is this my fault??!"

"Yeah, come on Carla. Are you actually blaming Ghandi for this now?!..." The surgeon turned to Dr. Cox shocked that he seemed to be defending him. "Because this would have to be one of the first times- no scratch that, THE first time that I have totally agreed with something you have said."

"NOT helping" Turk retorted.

"Not trying to help."

"Yes, Turk. Like Dr. Cox said, it was you who hit JD in the first place. You gave him a concussion! At least Dr. Cox kept his eye on him."

"But you were just blaming him a minute ago! I- I can _never_ keep up with you, woman! Anyway, it was you who stopped me from going after him in the first place!"

"Don't you turn this round on me, Christopher!"

"Well... why not? You're blaming everyone else! You didn't check up on him either!"

"Well I'm sorry! But I was busy having orders barked at me by doctors who are far too big for their boots and seem to think all us nurses do all day is stand around talking!"

"That isn't what you do?" _Why can't I ever keep my mouth shut? There I was, watching a fascinating argument between a newly married couple and along comes a chance for a put down and BAM! I'm in there. I can't resist._

Silence fills the room as Carla slowly turns, the anger almost visibly bubbling beneath the surface. Dr. Cox maintains a creepy smile which he knows is going to be knocked off his face within the next few seconds. Turk and Elliot brace themselves for the explosion.

But then something surprising happens. Carla's shoulders relax and she breathes out, obviously trying to calm herself. And it seems to work. She drops her head so she is looking down at the floor.

After 10 agonising seconds Turk moves towards his wife.

"...Baby?"

_As I watch Turk approach Carla, I can't help but think of the similarities in their personalities to myself and Newbie. Then I cringe to think I have just compared us to a married couple. Then I cringe again because I referred myself and the stupid kid as "us". Makes me feel dirty all over. The way in which Turk is completely terrified of Carla's reaction kind of reminds of the way Newbie has approached me on many occasions. Usually when he needs help and I'm being too much of an ass to give him two minutes of my time. But as much as I feel...damn I'll say it... guilty about the way I have been with him from time to time, the kid is annoying. The annoying things he does like smiling at me every time he sees me, or saying my name in that overly excited way. I'm not his damn father. I shouldn't have to be dealing with his emotional baggage. What the hell have I just done? I've let him think he can talk to me. I've made him think I actually give a rat's ass about his feelings. I really, really don't. I can't let him talk to me again, the kid'll just end up more messed up talking to me. I'm out._

"He was attacked." Dr. Cox spoke with a gruff voice, looking up shocked to find Turk and Carla with their arms around each other apologising. _How long have I been stood like this for?_

"What?!" Elliot shrieked in her usual high pitched voice.

"Newbie... he was attacked." _Who am I kidding? Of course I'm worried about the kid. But I can't deal with this. He's better talking to his friends. I'm doing this for his own good, as cruel as it feels._

Turk and Carla looked up at Dr. Cox, shocked.Elliot had gone into full panic mode but was trying her hardest to keep herself seated.

"What?!! When?!... How did this happen?! Who was it?!... Is he hurt?! Oh my God, I'd better go check on him, where did he go??!!!"

As hard as she had tried to stay calm, Elliot was bouncing around the room not really knowing what to do with the huge dose of adrenaline that was coursing through her veins.

As always, Carla was the one to calm her.

"Elliot. Sit down. Let Dr. Cox tell us what happened."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, you know I freak out with stuff like this. I panic and then I get all hyper, then I start talking really fast and then I can't stop. It's like an illness, my parents always said I would never make a doctor because of it, and my Mom would say-

"Elliot!"

"Oops, sorry." Elliot looked slightly embarrassed as Carla gave her a warm yet impatient smile. But she couldn't help but be relieved that Dr. Cox had practically ignored her rantings and ravings. Instead he seemed deep in thought.

"Dr. Cox, what happened?" Carla prodded for information.

Cox pulled himself out of his thoughts. Deep down, he knew he shouldn't have been doing this, but he knew what was best for JD. He would thank him in the long run.

"Well, again Newbie was stupid enough to get himself involved in an abuse case. And we all know how that generally works out for him. The last one was a wonderful example of how much a doctor's help is appreciated in such matters. So, I go in and tell him he shouldn't be working because of his concussion but he's determined to help this God damn kid. Then the father arrives."

_How much do I tell them? Everything? Or just enough so that they are suspicious? Damn it Perry, grow a pair! You want rid of the kid! Off load. _

"And?" Turk was growing impatient.

"GIVE ME A SECOND DAMNIT!"

The room is silent and three stunned colleagues are all staring wide-eyed at Dr. Cox.

_Now I'm showing emotion. Why am I finding this so hard? _

After taking a deep breath Perry decided to follow his thoughts.

"Newbie seemed to know the guy. He took him into a room so they could talk, for some reason he locked the door... Damn stupid thing to do." Cox paused again.

"And... what happened?" Carla was shifting nervously in her seat, the suspension was killing her. It was killing all of them.

"They seemed to be talking for a while."

"You could see them?" Elliot interrupted.

"I was looking through the window in the door. The kid's father had already shown an aggressive side, so I wasn't too happy about him..." Dr. Cox shook his head "One of our staff going in there. Next thing I know the guy's touched Newbie's leg making him panic. He jumps out of his seat and goes over to the wall. The kid looked like he didn't know what to do with himself." _He looked scared. _"The guy kept talking to him then walked towards him and pinned him against the wall." _I feel my stomach turn when I think about the image. _"He was.. uh... pressing himself against him."

"Pressing himself against him?" Turk looked confused. "How do you mean?"

Dr. Cox gave him a knowing look which Turk did not seem to understand. Fortunately Carla did. She caught Turk's gaze and shot him the exact same look, this time he understood.

"Ooooh... oh." His eyebrows furrowed as he considered the information. "JD's gay?!!"

"No!" Dr. Cox nearly shouted. "No, he's not gay. As much as he may come across as missing his Y chromosome from time to time, he is definitely not gay... He was... _trying_ to push the guy off."

"Ha! Wow! Now I don't have to feel so bad about the whole giving that woman an orgasm during a pelvic exam thing because if he mentions it again I can just say to him "well at least I didn't get groped by a puff!" Yes! This is great!"

"Yeah, Barbie. I wouldn't go doing that if I were you."

"Why?? This is funny! Why doesn't anyone find this funny??"

"Elliot, JD has had a panic attack. I don't think this is the sort of thing he will appreciate being teased about." Carla tried to explain.

"Oh, come on. He's just being over sensitive. It's not like anything happened!"

"He was also trying to kiss him and then threw him across the room."

"Oh."

_I stand watching his three best friends trying to take in the information. Barbie looks completely confused. No change there then. Carla looks like she wants to be sick, and Ghandi looks completely shocked and disgusted. I wonder if I have done the right thing. _

"We need to talk to him." Carla announced.

_But sometimes, all it takes is a few words for you to realise that you have taken the right path. He needs someone who actually wants to help him, not some emotionally crippled narcissist who takes pleasure out of the fact that he's struggling._

_BEEP BEEP_

_Damn, pager._

All four colleagues checked their pagers, Dr. Cox found a message from JD.

'Make sure you don't forget the bit about my Mom being a drug addict.'

"Who is it?" Carla asked.

"No one." _What the hell? Does he know that I have been telling them about this? I decide to page him back._

'What are you talking about?'

A few moments later, Cox receives another page.

'I heard you. I was by the door. Gone home now. Thanks Perry.'

_For what felt like the millionth time today my stomach did a flip. I know I wanted to get rid of the kid, but not quite like that. And now he's driving home with a concussion. Oh Christopher, Carla's gonna kill me._

Dr. Cox looked towards the others to find them talking amongst themselves.

"I'm sorry Elliot, but it looks like that drink's off tonight."

"It's okay, I understand. JD's more important."

"Are you gonna come round to ours and see him?"

"Um, no. You know I'm no good with this kinda stuff. I wouldn't know what to say, and I'd probably end up making things worse. And he'll need some space."

"Yeah baby, Elliot's right. He does tend to get freaked out with crowds."

"Ok. Well, I finish my shift in half an hour so do you want me to wait for you to finish yours baby, and then we take JD home together?"

"Actually, baby that's what I was just coming to tell you. It turns out they don't need me for those extra hours tonight. So I've just gotta clock out then I can take him home." Turk smiled at Carla knowing this would please her.

"Oh Turk, that's great. We can talk to him together then! Just wait till my shift finishes."

"Ok."

"Oh, that's just great! But if you idiots could stop planning your slumber party for just two seconds, you would realise there seems to be a vital part of your plan missing. Can any of you guess what it is?... No? How about your guest of honour?? Who, FYI has decided to ride home on his scooter with concussion because I was too busy telling you peons all about his sexual experiences. Which, once again, FYI I would not have been doing had you decided to leave me be. And then maybe,_ just_ maybe I could have stopped him getting on that scooter. So now, I have to go chasing after him to actually make sure he has got home rather than passed out and gone under the wheels of an oncoming lorry or in his confusion gone and picked up the nearest male prostitute thinking it's some gorgeous gal needing a place to stay for the night. Barbie, you're covering my shift for the night. I'm going to kill the kid." Cox left the room.

"What? But Dr. Cox!!! Dr. Cox??!!!... Frick!" Elliot stamped her foot and blew her bangs out of her eyes. Then her pager bleeped. "Double frick!!" She ran out of the room shaking her head followed shortly after by Turk and Carla.

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_So, here I am, walking up to Newbie's apartment with Ghandi and Carla. What did they think I was going to do? I couldn't help but feel offended that they seemed to think I was some sort of danger to the kid. Carla even made we wait till the end of her shift before I could go. Why does Carla always manage to make me feel like a damn child? At least we know he's home anyway, his scooter's outside which as much as I hate to admit it, I was relieved to see._

"Locked? That's odd." Turk looked at Carla questioningly, then unlocked the door and walked in, closely followed by his wife and Dr. Cox. "JD?... Dude?! You here?"He knocked on JD's bedroom door, hearing no answer he went in.

"He there, baby?" Carla asked.

"No!"

"What do you mean no?" _I'm getting impatient now, for some reason I feel I have to explain myself to Newbie. He's obviously pretty pissed off with me right now... not that that's in anyway threatening. I suppose sometimes when someone idolises you that much, you come to depend on their unconditional support. And when that could be taken away, you want it back as quick as you lost it. It's nothing to do with the kid, more to do with my giant ego._

"I mean no, he's not there."

_Ok, I'm annoyed._

"How can he not be there Ghandi?"

"I dunno, it doesn't even look like he's been home."

"_Except _that his scooter's outside, genius." _Oh good God, my heart skips a beat when I consider a possibility I had not thought about yet. He could have him. What if he followed him home?_

"Oh wait!" Carla interrupted Cox's thoughts. "Panic over. There's a note from him here. He's gone to get some bread and milk. Looks like we're all out."

"A little late for shopping don't you think?" _Carla shoots me a look which tells me to stop being such a bastard. For some reason, I always find myself listening to Carla. In many ways, she is my conscience. So I sit down._

"I know you're worried Dr. Cox, but just sit down. He will be back soon... I'll make you a coffee."

"I am _not _worried." _I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince anymore, her or myself._

"How do you like it?"

"Like what?"

"Your coffee, it'll have to be black, mind you." Carla smiled at Dr. Cox and waved the note from JD at him as back up that there was no milk.

"Black's fine."

"Sugar?"

"Yeah, make it two."

"Turk?"

"One for me, baby. My blood sugar's feelin' a little low."

"Ok, one for me, one for you, and two for Dr. Cox." Smiling again, she brought the coffee over to the two doctors seated on the couch. "Everything will be fine, you know. He will probably come in with some dorky grin on his face and be absolutely fine!" She said taking a sip of her coffee.

"You really think so?" Dr. Cox looked seriously at Carla.

"Yeah."

"Hmm.. well, what do you know." He replied nastily, also drinking his coffee.

The three colleagues sat on the couch quietly sipping at the hot liquid, each having their own thoughts, until Turk broke the silence.

"I dunno if it's just me, but..." He yawned. "All of a sudden I've gone really... really... tired." The mug fell out of his hand and onto the floor splashing brown liquid all over the carpet. Turk was slumped forwards in his chair.

"Turk!! Look at the mess!" Carla stared at her husband for a few seconds and realised something wasn't right. She tried to get to her husband to find her legs not working and she fell to the floor. Dr. Cox put his mug on the table to try to help Carla, but all of a sudden he was also overcome with drowsiness. _What the hell is happening? I can't tell if Carla's awake. I'm trying to move to get to her but my body is like lead. I'm completely numb and my eyelids feel heavy. I try give one last attempt at getting to Carla only to find myself completely useless. My eyelids are closing and my body starts dropping to the floor. That's the last thing I know._


	11. My Question

**Woo update. I was going to write notes to each person who reviewed the last chapter but I always think it kinda ruins the flow of the story. So all I will say is thank you!!! I love you all!!!! **

**As you will see this has had the rating changed to M now, because I feel that will be more suitable as we go along. I'm not completely satisfied with my characterisation in this chapter and would appreciate any tips for the next chap! Thanks, enjoy! xx**

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_Urgh, the room is spinning... I feel like I've been clubbed over the head a few dozen times with a large mallet. I can't stop the waves of nausea sweeping through my body. I'm sure I'm going to be sick. I try to take a deep breath, but wait... what is that? I'm finding it hard to breathe in, something is restricting me. Then I feel it, the piece of fabric tied tightly around my face, and more specifically, my mouth. I try to reach up to move the offending cloth only to find my hands won't work properly either, if only I could get up the strength to open my eyes. I shift uncomfortably and feel the snag of something metal around my wrists. Is that a set of handcuffs? Oh good God, what the hell has happened? Then my mind flashes back. I remember Ghandi and Carla on the couch with me, Ghandi passing out, Carla on the floor... the coffee! Oh my God, the coffee!_

Dr. Cox's eyes suddenly shoot open and he finds himself being watched by two terrified faces, both sweaty, both panicked and both bound and gagged in the same way as himself.

_What the hell is going on here?_

"Ah, Perry, glad you could finally join us." Dr. Cox looks to the corner of the room to see a man standing in the shadows. "Was a bit afraid you weren't gonna wake up there. I'm not exactly experienced with the use of Ketamine, but y'know... comes in handy sometimes."

The man emerges from the shadows and seats himself on the couch. Dr. Cox's curiosity quickly turns to anger when he recognises the face of the man who attacked JD earlier. Dave realises this and grins widely at his three captives. He eventually bursts out laughing. "Sorry, you just don't realise how stupid you look... all handcuffed up in your own living room."

Dr. Cox in his fury tries to suddenly get up and make a lunge at the guy but finds the handcuffs are wrapped around the apartment's piping. This abruptly jerks him back leaving him with a sharp pain in his wrists.

Once again, Dave started laughing.

"Oops, sorry. Yeah, I forget to tell you about that. You're all chained to the piping just in case any of you get the sudden urge to charge at me." Then he grins sarcastically at them then starts pacing the apartment walking in and out of each room.

_Dammit, the bastard. What has he done with Newbie?!_

Desperate to speak to Dave, Dr. Cox starts rubbing his cheek on his shoulder trying to roll down the gag currently stopping him from expressing his anger. After what seemed like an hour (which was more like 2 minutes), he finally shifted the cloth from around his mouth. Feeling another surge of anger race through his body he pulled forwards on his handcuffs and shouted as loud as he could.

"WHERE THE HELL IS NEWBIE, YOU BASTARD!"

Dr. Cox had almost expected (and hoped) that Dave would run back into the room in shock at the sound of his voice but instead he slowly strolled back from the bathroom and sat himself down on the couch again. He brought his gaze up to meet Dr. Cox's, his whole demeanour was calm and collected which made Cox feel nervous and on edge. A shiver went up his spine as he gazed into the cold eyes of JD's tormentor.

_This bastard is like something out of a movie, so calm he's creepy, he even has the sadistic smile. He's quite a big guy, no spring chicken either. Considering his age his face is surprisingly uncreased, but his greyish hair and his eyes betray him. Those eyes, they are like nothing I have ever seen before. They are so cold they look almost empty, but at the same time they look like they are hiding so many things. I'm normally a good judge of character, but this guy I can't work out. He's giving me nothing-_

"Newbie?... Who's Newbie?" Dave replies in monotone.

_Still nothing._

"You know damn fine who I'm talking about!"

"Ooooh, Johnny?" He laughs "Hmm... If I knew that I wouldn't be here would I? Why do you think I have you guys? I thought maybe you could tell me."

This time his voice was bouncy as if he was making a joke. His demeanour completely changed, all of a sudden he looked friendly and approachable and the coldness Dr. Cox had seen before had been replaced with warmth.

_I knew damn fine this wasn't the time to be considering such things, but I couldn't help but be fascinated by the personality changes this man seemed to go through each time he spoke. However, I knew this facade was not to be trusted. If only Newbie had realised it as a child._

"You really think we're going to tell you where to find him?"

"Dr. Cox, what the _hell _is going on?" Carla had obviously managed to slip off her gag and taking a glance at Turk, Cox realised that he wasn't far behind. "Who are you?!!!" She shouted staring at Dave. In return he sat back seemingly interested in what was about to be said.

Cox took one look at Dave and shook his head.

"So I take it you don't want to do the explanations then?! No? Well I can tell you it ain't gonna be pretty." Out of the corner of his eye Dr. Cox saw Turk finally get his gag off too, he continued regardless. "_This _bastard is the guy who attacked Newbie earlier."

_I watched Ghandi and Carla's eyes open wide shortly followed by their mouths as they looked shocked at the jack ass on the couch._

"But that's not all folks, oh no. This guy also spent around 8 years, maybe more... abusing your best friend when he was a child. And from what I gather it was in _everyway _possible. So perhaps now, you might understand what is going on."

_He didn't even flinch, not a flicker of embarrassment... or guilt... nothing. I always thought I was dead inside, but now I know I'm wrong_, _**that** is dead inside. I look back to Ghandi and Carla who both seem to be in complete shock now. Ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to break this to them, but unfortunately there is no time for subtleties. I can see Carla going over each thought in her head, I can almost hear the cogs turning and each piece fitting into place. I know what she is doing... wondering how she could have missed it. _

All of a sudden, Turk snaps out of his trance and shifts himself so he is almost kneeling towards Dave.

"That isn't true is it? About JD?... I would have noticed, he would have told me! Please tell me it's not true." Carla looked sympathetically at her husband then switched her gaze to Dr. Cox who exchanged glances with her. She knew he wasn't lying.

Dave gave Turk a careless glance, shrugged his shoulders and waved his hand dismissively.

"What can I say? He was a pushover." He said it so casually that all three colleagues wanted to kill the man right then and there.

Both Turk and Dr. Cox pulled abruptly away from the wall shouting every expletive they could think of . Carla was also completely incensed, but deep down she knew, in this situation she wouldn't be considered particularly threatening so she settled for shouting the odd "How could you?" and muttering to herself then breaking down and crying.

Turk had got himself into such a state that he also had tears running down his face and eventually gave up shouting at the man when he realised it had little or no effect. Dr. Cox shortly followed suit but his heavy breathing showed that he wasn't by any means calm.

Dave, who for the past few minutes had been staring into the bedroom turned and gave each captive a quick glance. The only one who still met his gaze was Dr. Cox.

"So who hit 'im?"

"What?"

_What the hell has that got to do with anything? Why doesn't the bastard look at me when he's talking. Too much of a coward no doubt._

"The shiner... Just wondering who's feeling really guilty now, that's all." He said absently staring back into the bedroom.

_I hear a slight sob from across the way from me. Oh good God, Ghandi is crying. That must have really hit home. But I suppose it would. I've never felt guilt like I've felt today, but to also have the fact that you knocked the kid unconscious this morning in your head would be even worse... Christ, what is happening to me? Am I starting to empathise? Come on Perry, pull yourself together._

"Look, we don't know where he is." Carla speaks up but suddenly finds herself staring at the end of a gun. She lets out a slight scream and completely freezes. Turk totally panics.

_Oh God, why Carla?_

"I think we should have some quiet time now. I told myself 'the second the woman starts talkin' again they're becoming too bold'. So I suggest you all shut your mouths and leave your gags on this time. Okay?" He glances at all three colleagues then points his gun at each one of them making them flinch. "OKAY?!!" Carla starts sobbing again, but nods in compliance. Turk and Dr. Cox also agree. None of them can stop their bodies from trembling slightly.

"Ok, good." Silently and calmly he went round the room and pointed the gun at each of their foreheads with one hand as he re-gagged them with the other then once again he returned to the couch.

_Ok, this is just fantastic. This guy now has a gun, and we have no idea where Newbie is, there are three of us and he definitely doesn't need us all to find out that information. Come to think of it, where the hell is Newbie? He only went to the shop, he should have been back by now. But if Dave had him, we would know about it. Dammit, now I'm calling him Dave. But yeah, if that bastard had him,what use would we be? _

After ten minutes of sitting in silence, only occasionally ruined by the odd muffled sob, Dave stood up almost excitedly.

"Oh! Almost forgot! You had a message!"

Carla and Turk looked at each other confused. What the hell was he doing listening to their messages?

He pressed the button then the machine beeped.

"Chris? Uh, it's Kevin. I've been tryin' to get hold of you all day bro' but your cell is off. I've left ya like 6 messages... You there?... Right, well I really didn't wanna tell you this over the answer machine but I can't keep ringin' ya. Look... we really need ya here... Dad's died," Turk's eyes opened wide then started to water and he dropped his head almost in defeat taking a sobbing breath. How much else could go wrong? "Mama's in a real mess, you gotta come. Gimme a ring when ya get this. I'm sorry bro'."

The machine beeped again to signify the end of the message. Dr. Cox watched Turk through careful eyes not really knowing what to do with himself. Where as Carla tried to shift herself towards her husband to comfort him, also shedding her own tears in sympathy for her husband's pain.

_No one should have to hear about their father's death like that. I know I was glad when mine finally kicked his oxygen habit, but still, under these circumstances it's enough to make a person crack. Good God, I'm becoming so empathetic now I'm making myself sick. But still, this situation just keeps getting worse and worse._

"I'm so sorry to hear about that. It's terrible when a parent dies."

_Where does this guy get off? How the hell does he make himself sound so genuine. He stills gives me shivers, he's too calm. Far too calm._

Turk manages to meet Dave's gaze and furrows his eyebrows in anger. In return he receives a gentle smile. The man gets up and makes his way over to the kitchen.

"Ketamine is rather effective stuff isn't it? Even in sugar it's still potent stuff... You had me a little worried when you asked for two sugars though Dr. Cox." He gave him a grin. "You see, I thought you might not wake up. Definitely took you longer to come round though. But... that's not important now is it?" He swept his hand along the counter in the kitchen and Carla's eyes opened wide at Dr. Cox when she remembered the note from JD. Cox shot her the same panicked look when Dave picked up a piece of paper and held it up to the light.

"Gone for bread and milk. Be back soon. Don't worry... Hmm... Interesting."

Dave stared hard at the three colleagues in the living room.

"Didn't know where he was?"

_Oh God, I had completely forgotten about that note. I find myself staring wide-eyed at the creep just waiting for him to pull the gun out, waiting for him to decide he doesn't need us now. But he doesn't. Instead he walks across into Newbie's bedroom. Once again I find this guy compelling viewing. It's amazing the amount of emotions one man can conjure up through being completely and utterly... emotionless, I guess. When he returns to the room my heart skips a beat, and I get the feeling that Carla and Ghandi felt that too._

Behind dragged into the room with him was a semi-conscious JD, obviously just waking up from the effects of Ketamine.

_Oh God, no. What the hell is going on here? I find myself breathing erratically as I think of what could have happened to Newbie whilst he's been drugged. Before today, I hadn't realised how much I thought of that kid like a son. But now all I want to do is protect him. Maybe because I feel I'm the only one with the right to treat him like crap or I actually genuinely worry about him but this feeling of helplessness is driving me insane! Also if he's had Newbie all along, why the hell are we here?_

Dr. Cox shakes away his thoughts and finds himself in shock. He silently watches as Dave picks up a shivering JD and lies him down on the couch. He then sits down himself pulling JD up so the top of his back and his head are in his lap. He then absently runs his fingers through the intern's hair.

"It's bad that you guys don't know his writing well enough to know that that's not it."

Once again the anger rises in Cox's face. Dave automatically reads his mind.

"Don't worry, I've not touched him... yet." As JD started to come round, he shifted to make himself comfortable causing Dave to gasp and grit his teeth. He was obviously already getting pleasure from the fact the intern was lay on him.

Dr. Cox and Carla looked away disgusted, Turk on the other hand just kept staring. No-one was quite sure what Turk was thinking about, his father or the current situation, but he seemed deep in thought.

Dave kept talking. "Doesn't he look so innocent?... He always looked innocent. Especially as a child. He always wanted protecting and was constantly searching for a father figure." Dr. Cox looked away. "No surprise though, his father was useless. Unless it was about tits or legs he didn't really have much to say to the kid."

_I found myself thinking back to the time when I told him that his father could have done a much worse job and I actually had a go at him for not having faith in his dad. It makes me cringe, there_

_I was comparing childhoods with him and all along he was hiding this._

"That's what made it so easy though, all I had to do was tell him I cared about him and he'd come running right back even if I still had the belt in my hand. Stupid kid."

_At that moment I felt like I wanted to be sick. I knew exactly what he was talking about, because I knew deep down I had done that to Newbie on many occasions myself. I would give him false hope that I actually liked him and respected him, just to knock him back down again. In fact, I had done it earlier today when I told him he was the best doctor I had ever worked with. I might as well have been holding the bloody belt myself. I'm no better than that creep._

JD shifted again, this time opening his eyes.

"Ow... headache." He said out loud. Suddenly feeling what felt awfully like another person underneath him, he shiftedto glance up at the face looking down at him. Once his eyes focused he nearly jumped out of his skin and off the couch but was stopped by strong arms wrapped around his shoulders. When he realised he was stuck his body seemed to turn to jelly, his breathing became erratic and panicked and he tried to lean away from the other man's touch.

"Woah, woah! Chill out Johnny." Dave laughed at JD's reaction and almost looked confused about why he was so scared.

"W-what are you doing here?" JD shakily replied with his head turned completely away from the man and shifting himself to release some of the grip. This meant that JD did not have to look at Dave, but it also meant that he left a large part of his neck exposed which the older man took advantage of. Pulling JD back by he lunged towards him and starting kissing the exposed skin which caused JD to become hysterical. "Don't! Please! Let me go, let me go, let me go!" He tried to fight his way out of the man's grip but found he was slowly being overpowered, then a sudden clang from the corner of the room made him freeze and look up and Dave stopped kissing him.

"Oh yes, nearly forgot. How rude of me." He kissed JD's neck again, slowly moving upwards. "I think", he moved up to his ear "there's a few people" and licked, "you need to say hello to."

JD sat staring at the three people handcuffed up in the apartment. He was in complete and utter shock, he could hardly feel what Dave was doing to him. Looking back at him was a furious but distraught Dr. Cox who was obviously the one who had "clanged" before. He was trying once again to pull away from the wall. Carla kept looking at JD and then looking away again in disgust, presumably, again because of what Dave was doing. Turk was the only one who wouldn't look at him at all. He obviously knew about his past, and that was what hurt JD most. Turk couldn't even look at him now. The pain and despair he was causing the people he cared about became all too much and silent tears began to creep down his face.

_Why did they have to be dragged into this? _


	12. My Place

**I was a little disappointed with the last chapter because I didn't get as many reviews as I was hoping for! I don't know if it was because people didn't enjoy it as much or because the rating was changed to M. But if you are reading, please review. It's the only way I know if I'm on the right track!Thanks!**

**Anyway, I must warn you, this chapter is the reason why the rating has gone up. Please do not read if you are easily offended. Don't call me sick by the way, God help me, I just love JDA.**

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_This can't be happening. Why the hell have the three people I care about most been dragged into this? I always told myself I would never upset them by telling them about my past and now look what I've gone and done. I told Dr. Cox a little bit of what happened and now he and my two best friends are being held hostage. Oh my God, this is all my fault, if I hadn't come home on my own-_

"Johnny, you okay?"

JD jumped slightly having seemingly forgotten about the man wrapped tightly around his shoulders. Dave let out a slight chuckle. "Always were a day dreamer... You've not changed one bit, you know that Johnny?"

_Why does he call me Johnny? It gives me the creeps. I feel a cold tingling race down my spine and I shiver against it as I feel him kissing my neck far too gently. That's even more creepy, and what's worse is that my body is responding to his foul touch. I wish I was not so terrified of him. I feel sick that my body is betraying me. I have to stop this._

JD once again closes his eyes and shivers as Dave buries his face into the juncture of his neck and kisses gently. Noticing that he has hit a sensitive spot he starts kissing him harder and faster causing JD to squirm in his arms, his body obviously fighting his head for control. Dr. Cox, Turk and Carla can do nothing but watch in shock and disgust as the man tries to break down JD's composure.

_Oh God... oh God, this is so embarrassing. I want him to get off me, but my body just won't seem to move. Every time I try to shift he just kisses me harder. My neck has always been my weak spot, I can feel my body slowly turning to jelly. Oh God I'm disgusting. How can I be getting aroused by this? I hate the man, he makes me sick. What will the others be thinking while they're watching me now? It must be obvious... oh no, did I just moan out loud?_ _Oh God I can never look at Carla, Turk or Dr. Cox again. This has to stop, right now._

"Please." JD's voice was merely a whisper, his eyes were tightly shut and his head was shaking from side to side. His body still shivered involuntarily. "Please... stop." Dave bit down and JD gasped in pain. "Don't do this to me, p-please..."

At this, Dave pulled away and withdrew his hold from around the younger man's shoulders. At first JD tensed unsure of what the man was planning, after all he was sat on the older man's lap. Having waited a couple of seconds he cautiously opened his eyes, breathing heavily, he turned to look at his abuser. JD felt his heart skip a beat when he saw the familiar cold stare, the empty eyes that had haunted his dreams for many years gazing right at him. Even meeting Dave's gaze for only a second or two was enough to make JD feel completely terrified, which caused him to suddenly spring off the man's lap. Unfortunately for him though, he wasn't known for his grace, the reason for this was quickly explained when he found himself tripping backwards over the coffee table falling directly onto Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox made a loud grunting sound as his intern landed almost completely on top of him. As usual, he had the over whelming urge to shout at the kid. Not just for the fact that he was so clumsy but also for the fact he seemed to be making no attempt to get up. In Dr. Cox's eyes, this was JD's chance to try and get away. He decided to shift his legs to make JD move but was shocked into stillness when his intern turned to look at him. All of a sudden, all of the anger drained away. For those few seconds JD bared his soul to Dr. Cox, showing him all of the pain, anger, confusion, helplessness, embarrassment and terror that had plagued him over the years because of this man. And if Cox was honest, seeing JD looking like that scared him. It made him realise that any chance of JD actually fighting against the bastard that tormented him had probably been beaten out of him years ago.

_As I locked eyes with Dr. Cox I felt myself flush from the embarrassment of knowing that he had just seen me almost enjoying the touch of the guy who had apparently caused me so much pain. I almost found myself trying to explain to him that I didn't enjoy it, and how Dave makes me feel. Then he gave me that look... sympathy. That's what I hate the most, sympathy. Then he suddenly looked up, I felt his body tense and I heard a muffled yell probably coming from Turk. The feeling of cold, hard metal at my neck alerted me that something was definitely wrong._

JD froze completely knowing that the end of a gun was being pressed against his skin. He swallowed nervously.

"You ever, _ever_ move without my permission kid... it'll be the last thing you ever do."

Dave pressed the gun harder into JD's neck making him close his eyes and whimper slightly. He leaned in closer. "Now what do you say?" A smirk came across his face as he remembered the familiar game.

JD opened his eyes in shock, surely he wouldn't make him do this. Dave answered his questioning look with a hard back hand to the face which made his three colleagues wince. Dr. Cox leaned forwards slightly to try and protect his protege but soon found the gun aimed at his head instead.

"NO!.. Don't shoot him!!" JD grabbed hold of Dave's arm. "Please. I'm sorry, I'll do anything. Just don't hurt him." JD's breathing was fast and ragged, his pulse was racing. If Dr. Cox were to die because of him, he would never forgive himself.

"Then you know what to say." Dave smiled at JD who was obviously completely embarrassed, he would never have told his friends about this side of the abuse.

After watching JD mull it over for long enough, Dave moved his finger towards the trigger. Beads of sweat were pouring down Dr. Cox's face.

"Wait!!" Dave paused. "I belong to you a-and no-one else." JD's face flushed red and his gaze had dropped to the floor as he was speaking. "I am yours to... I-I am yours to.. use.. as you want."

Although Dr. Cox's eyes were wide at what his intern had just said, he couldn't help but relax slightly from the relief that the gun was no longer pointing at his head. However, Turk was not so quiet. He was pulling away from the wall, infuriated that someone would make his best friend into their own personal toy.

Dave smiled at JD and stroked his cheek making him flinch, then suddenly pointed the gun at Turk who froze.

"Do you wanna die? Because if you disturb me again I assure you, you will." Still pointing the gun at Turk, Dave grabbed JD by the collar and pulled him to his feet. JD swayed unsteadily due to the side effects of the drug, taking advantage of this, Dave suddenly elbowed him right in the jaw sending him flying back down to the floor. JD yelped in surprise at the sudden movement and Turk lunged forwards trying to shout through his gag.

The man calmly met Turk's angry gaze then bent down to drag JD up once again by the collar.

"Okay, doctors, and _nurse_." Dave glanced at Carla. "Here is how it's gonna go from now on. You three are going to be quiet... if you're not, I _will_ kill you... and _you,_" he pushed JD up against the wall next to Dr. Cox pointing the gun at his head. "If you do not do _exactly _as I say, I will kill one of your friends, and you will get to pick which one. So, if you all don't want to hurt each other, I guess you had better start doing as I say."

_At that moment I realised why my friends had been dragged into this... They were his leverage. I found myself nodding so obediently I shocked myself. After I had seen him at the hospital I had thought that maybe this time I would at least have the strength to resist him. But he's even got that covered now. I will not risk their lives just to save my own, I have got through this before and I can do it again. He won't destroy me this time. All of a sudden he pulls the gun away from my head and I feel relief wash over me. I'm not ready to die. He slowly turns and places the gun on the table, I wish I had the stones to jump for it and shoot him myself but I'm rooted to the floor. I'm so scared I actually can't move and I can still feel my body convulse from time to time with cold shivers. _

_I look towards Turk, as embarrassed as I feel about what he is no doubt going to see, I have to look at him, make him understand that no matter what happens he has to stay quiet. Not only for his sake, but for Carla's and Dr. Cox's and perhaps even my own. I shoot him a look, I'm not even sure how we mastered this method of communication but it works for us somehow, and I can tell he's understood me and he's not happy. But unfortunately we both know there's not a lot we can do now. All of a sudden Dave shoves me into a head lock, I let out a very manly yelp as my neck jolts at an awkward angle. For a few seconds, my instinct and my urge is to leap free of his grip, but then I remember what will happen if I do... One of my friends will die. I have to ride this out... I have to._

Dave dragged JD over to the wall near Turk and Carla's bedroom and threw him up against it. Once again, JD couldn't help but let out a feeble whimper as his back hit the wall.

"I own you, kid. Everything you are, everything you have become, I created." His hands grabbed JD's wrists and pinned them against the wall. Feeling the man's body up against him once again, JD started to panic and couldn't help but try to struggle out of Dave's grip. In return, he received a hard shake, the grip on his wrists tightened and his hands were pushed above his head. This brought Dave closer to him. "DON'T.. do that."

Complete helplessness washed over JD and he closed his eyes as Dave took both his wrists into one of his much larger hands and started stroking his chest with the other. Again, he took JD's lips into a bruising kiss and when the younger man needed to take a breath he forced his tongue deep into his mouth. This obviously made JD want to gag and vomit, or as Dr. Cox would call it "gavomit". JD's eyes remained tightly shut as his abuser tightened the grip around his wrists and moved his hand down to the fastenings of his scrubs.

Dave pulled away from the kiss, obviously wanting to see the expression on JD's face as he undid the tie on the scrubs, reached down and gave a soft squeeze. Much to Dave's annoyance the intern only turned his face away, keeping his eyes tightly closed. The second time he gave a much harder squeeze and started stroking which caused JD to gasp out loud and try to pull away.

"P-please..." He gasped again as Dave's strokes speeded up. "Please... stop..." Once again, Dave caught JD's mouth in a passionate kiss, spurred on by the fact that his captive was starting to become hard. When he pulled away again, he noticed that JD had lost control of most of his senses, however, the embarrassment on the intern's face was obvious. Dave once again speeded up the strokes.

JD found himself panting and unable to control the fact that he seemed to be leaning towards the man he hated. Dave started stroking slower and eventually let go of his wrists allowing them to drop to his sides, but he still held his left one firmly just in case.

Seeing his opportunity to get out of this, JD held onto Dave's left arm which at that moment was slowly stroking him up and down. Noticing what JD was doing, Dave again speeded up his strokes causing JD to lean into him resting his head against his chest.

From that second, Dave knew he had JD just where he wanted him and stopped stroking. As he had hoped, unconsciously JD tried to get him to keep going so he started stroking again. JD's breath caught when the man pushed his head back and kissed him in the juncture of his neck. Unfortunately, for JD this manoeuvre broke his clouded judgement and he realised what he had just done and how it must have looked. Getting himself into such a state that he actually wanted Dave to continue, in his eyes, was the worst thing he could have done.

All of a sudden, a shattered sob broke from JD's lips and unshed tears came rolling down his face. Dave smiled at JD and decided to finish his ministrations. He tightened his grip and quickened his pace and JD was soon breathing heavily and burying his face into Dave's shoulder. The younger man's body was then racked with uncontrollable shudders and as he came Dave wrapped his arms around his back bringing him into a hug. For some reason, JD found himself returning the hug somewhat and burying his face deeper into Dave's shoulder as he cried harder than he had for a long time. The pair stood like that for near a minute.

Dave gently patted his back as he whispered into his ear, "See, I do own you." JD looked up in shock at the man's sudden change of personality, then suddenly he was thrown into the coffee table, a loud crunch was heard as one of the legs broke and his back slammed into the corner.

Feeling too weak and confused to get up, JD just kept sobbing and curled up to protect himself from the large foot that was about to kick him in the midsection. When Dr. Cox tried to protest, Dave once again picked up the gun which surprisingly had managed to stay on the table and pointed it at JD.

"SHUT UP!! Or the kid dies!!" Dr. Cox automatically leaned back and quickly closed his eyes not wanting to watch the carnage, unfortunately though he couldn't block out JD's cries of pain as Dave repeatedly kicked him in the stomach. Nor could he block out what the bastard was saying to him.

After what seemed like an eternity, Dave finally stopped kicking JD. It was obvious that the intern was having trouble breathing and was unable to uncurl himself. His breath came in hitching sobs and his eyes were squinting in pain but Dave cruelly pulled him up to stand.

"Get up, you little shit. Stop your squirming." He held JD tightly by his scrubs shirt trying to stop him from collapsing back to the floor. He was almost annoyed that JD was finding it difficult to stand up, he then punched him square in the jaw jolting his head to the side. The intern was scarcely responding to the pain now and when Dave hiked him up again, he hardly cared. This time he was punched in the face causing his mouth to bleed. When he was hiked up one last time JD managed to stir slightly and felt an overwhelming sense of arrogance. This caused him to spit blood in Dave's face.

Furious at the act of defiance, his abuser head butted him right in the temple causing him to lose consciousness... and gave him a few more kicks just for good measure. He let JD's limp body fall to the floor and Dr. Cox winced when the intern's head hit the carpet.

Dave didn't even regard his three captives, he merely composed himself and moved to the couch, stepping over JD on the way. As he sat down he grabbed the remote and switched on the television. Turk and Dr. Cox stared at the man in shock. Other than the TV, Carla's heart breaking sobs were the only other sound that could be heard.

Dave was silent.


	13. His Perspective

**Wow! I really can't believe it! 110 reviews! Sorry about keeping you waiting so long for this chapter. I've just been swamped lately and to be honest I lost my inspiration for a while... I'm not quite sure if it's back yet but we'll see how we go!**

**If you are reading please review! It's the reviews that really keep me writing! It would be so awesome if everyone on the alerts list made a comment :D I'll give you a cookie... Anyway, I'll shut up now. Thanks everyone!! I love you all :P**

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**This chapter has been edited because bree1387 pointed out that Turk would need insulin if he was hyperglycemic not hypoglycemic. Thanks for noticing, lol, some nursing student I make! He is supposed to be hyperglycemic because of the sugar in his coffee! Sorry for the mistake, was about 4am when I wrote this chapter :D**

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_He must have been out cold now for damn near 20 minutes. In my experience as a doctor, that's quite a long time. That blow to the temple could have killed him. Hell, if I couldn't see his chest rising and falling slightly I would be convinced he was dead. But still, he shouldn't be unconscious for this long. I can tell Ghandi and Carla are also starting to think along the same lines. Taking a casual glance in their direction I notice that Ghandi is starting to get anxious and Carla is trying to catch my eye, no doubt to have an unspoken conversation. I turn away, trying not to care too much... it's not my job to care. It's my job to to dole out the speeches and tell the kid what a mess he is until he sorts himself out... never to care._

_For some reason though, I find my thoughts moving away from the unmoving body on the floor. Something is nagging at me, something's not right... I just have to look at Ghandi again._

Dr. Cox looked to Turk. His brows furrowed when he took in his appearance. His scrubs top was soaked with sweat, beads were running down his face. Even though he was sitting down, it was obvious he was unsteady and could not control the shaking in his limbs. At first Dr. Cox thought it was just the stress of what's been happening and it was Turk's way of showing his anger. But then another thought entered his mind.

_Hyperglycemia! He's diabetic! Oh God. How could I have forgotten? How long has he been like this for?! I turned my gaze towards Carla who seemed to have been watching me for however long I was staring at her husband. I nod towards Ghandi to try to get her to look at him but she already seems to know what I'm saying. A moment of understanding passes between us and we both know that one of us is going to have to speak up if we want Ghandi to actually live through this. I try to roll my damn gag up with my shoulder finding myself slightly intrigued as to how a small piece of cloth can cause me so much hassle._

"Hey," _Looks like I've been beaten to it. _"Hey..." There was no response. "OI!" Carla was starting to get agitated and slightly annoyed, she didn't like being ignored, especially when her husband's life was at stake. "Look, Tur- my husband's really ill. He has diabetes, he needs his insulin. Please!"

At this Dave turned to look at Carla with an odd glint in his eye.

"Diabetes?"

"Yes! Diabetes! He needs his insulin! Look at him.." _I could see the relief washing over Carla's face when the bastard finally decided to acknowledge her. But she was obviously frustrated that he didn't seem to have the same sense of urgency that she did. I don't know what she was expecting. His priorities are obviously very different to any of ours. _

"My father had diabetes."

Turk was now beginning to fall forwards pulling on the cuffs around his wrists. He was starting to become disorientated. Carla tried her best not to shout at the man on the couch for wasting time and settled for gritting her teeth instead. It was time to put her nursing conversation skills into practice outside the hospital.

"He did? Did he have type two?" She asked, to Cox's surprise with seemingly mild interest.

"Yeah." Dave was no longer looking at Carla but now staring down at JD who, to the relief of his friends shifted a little. A light moan escaped his lips. "He was a good man, my father... I'm nothing like him really. He was patient, loyal, brave, caring... all the things I'm not. We both knew I was nothing like him, I was always a disappointment..."

Carla bit her lip slightly, this was not what she had been expecting. A gun to the face, maybe. But a heart to heart about the man's childhood and feelings, not in a million years. Her husband was sat beside her slowly drifting into unconsciousness and she was sat there listening to some nutter pouring his heart out. It made no sense. But none of it did. The only way he is ever going to give in, is if he trusts her. And to get that, she has to be patient. No matter how frustrating and infuriating it was to listen to.

"...All my life I have felt like crap. The only thing that has ever made me feel good is that kid..."

Cox and Carla both looked at each other panicking somewhat. They were not comfortable with this.

"When I first met him we would chat for hours. He was a bright kid but had little or no common sense."

Cox found himself breaking into a small smile, he knew that was true. Suddenly he realised he was smiling and quickly returned to his stoic composure. Dave was now kneeling next to JD stroking his fingers through his hair, much like he had earlier. But this time his face was filled more with sadness than any kind of lust.

"After a while, I realised that Johnny and I were very much alike... but also so different. He was me as I should have been, as my Dad would have wanted me to be. He had my qualities, and so many more... Once I realised that, I started to resent him... I couldn't help it, he was so easy to manipulate and control. He would do anything to please."

Dr. Cox found himself staring at the floor. He couldn't listen to this. JD was supposed to be _his _punch bag. Metaphorically, of course. But that was okay, because he never really took him seriously.. right?

"I admit, I took advantage of that... There was something about him that made me feel... powerful." Dave was still stroking JD's hair, but the sadness in his eyes had been replaced with a glimmer of satisfaction as he obviously thought back to his past experiences with the intern. "I controlled every aspect of his life, and he still loved me unconditionally. Even when I nearly broke his jaw just after his 12th birthday." He started laughing slightly. "I told him his dad had told me to do it... and that I really hadn't wanted to. I told him I loved him, and he spent most of that night crying in my arms..."

_I looked over to Carla finding her with her eyes closed and silent tears slipping down her face. Can't that damn woman ever stop crying?_

Dr. Cox looked up to the ceiling to stop his eyes from watering. Suddenly, a louder moan came from JD and his legs shifted. He was starting to wake up.

Dave quickly reached down to grab the back of JD's head pulling him up to a sitting position. He knelt behind him holding up his back and put his right arm around his neck. JD's head rolled forwards as he tried to regain consciousness. The abrupt movement had made him dizzy and somewhat nauseous.

All of a sudden the memories came flooding back to him and a moment of clarity hit him. Jerking up his head he found himself staring at about three Carlas. Two seemed to be floating around a much steadier one in the middle. He tried to focus on the middle one which, eventually cleared his vision. Unfortunately though, he could see her mouth moving but couldn't make out any of the words. He could also feel the warmth of another person behind him. Trying to piece his memories together, he came to only one conclusion. That person behind him was Dave.

Suddenly, he froze.

"JD! Are you okay? Talk to me!"

He looked like a deer in the headlights. Not knowing what to do. Then, he realised there was an arm around his neck. He tried to lean back to release some of the grip. To his surprise the arm moved and he felt Dave shifting away from his back. All of a sudden he was pulled up onto the couch. Every part of his body was pounding. The worst pain was in his ribs. Even the slightest shifting made him feel like he was being stabbed with about forty knives. He also had a dull throbbing pain in his head and could feel the crusting of dried blood under his nose and around his mouth. After mentally assessing himself and coming to the conclusion that the worst he had was a cracked rib or two he found the capacity to actually listen to what the people around him were saying.

"Is he okay??!!!... No he's not okay!!... Does he look okay to you??!! I just told you.. he has diabetes! He will die without his insulin!"

A calm reply answered the frustrated female ranting.

"Well, what do you expect me to do?"

Carla became much quieter now. Realising that shouting at the man was not going to work.

"Just let me give him his injection... please?"

Dave seemed to weigh up his options.

"Where is it?"

"We keep it in the fridge."

"Right, I will do it."

"No! You could snap the needle if you don't do it right! Please, let me do it."

By this time, Dave was at the fridge. He looked at Carla, then to Turk. Then back at Carla again. Taking the insulin out of the fridge, he took a deep breath.

"No, I can't take that risk."

Carla's heart sank. It took time to learn how to inject someone properly, she didn't want him to hurt her husband. But also deep down, she knew she would have taken that opportunity to try and escape . Or at least injure the guy enough to try and get away.

"Please..."

Suddenly Dave took hold of JD's hair. JD jumped, shocked at the quick movement. Nothing that had been going on had quite sunk in yet, and he was abruptly jerked back from limbo. Pushing hard, he threw JD to the floor and took out his gun. Pointing it at Carla, he calmly told her to be quiet or else he would shoot her and promptly started kicking JD in the ribs again causing him to yelp. Eventually he heard something crack, then he stopped kicking. Now his ribs were broken.

JD could hardly breathe, his chest rattled as he tried his hardest to breathe in enough air to keep himself going. The pain was unbearable and his head swam as waves of nausea threatened to overwhelm him.

Kneeling over the writhing body, Dave leaned down and kissed JD on the cheek.

"I love you you know Johnny. Now be good boy and give your friend over there his insulin injection."

Carla and Dr. Cox looked up at the madman in shock and he placed the syringe into the young doctor's palm.

Gathering all the strength he could muster, JD managed to breathe out a word.

"...What?..."

The strain on his injured chest was too much and he began to cough. However, this only served to make the original pain much worse. He felt slight relief when Dave turned him onto his back allowing him to breathe a little easier. But unfortunately, this brought the two face to face. Grabbing JD's chin, the man pulled his face close so his own so he could look into the younger man's eyes. JD tried to squirm away, but again the pain limited his movements.

"STOP SQUIRMING AND LOOK AT ME!" JD automatically froze. Calmly Dave continued. "You are a doctor, yes?..." Getting no response, he repeated. "Yes?!" JD frantically nodded his head. "Then as a doctor I would imagine you would know what to do with insulin, right?" JD again nodded. "Okay, well your black friend over there apparently needs his insulin. And seeing as you're a doctor and you know what to do, I was thinkin' you could give it to him. Okay?"

Kissing JD quickly on the lips he pulled him up by the collar of his scrubs and dragged him closer to his friend. JD gritted his teeth and hissed as the sharp pain in his ribs returned and he was thrown back onto his stomach.

Dave moved towards Carla and grabbed her by the hair. He pulled her as close to him as he possibly could.

"And you dare speak to me like that again, or make that much noise, it'll be the last thing you ever do. Comprende?"

Carla's shocked eyes quickly narrowed as the man obviously mocked her with her native language. The man then looked away from her and towards her gag, focusing on getting it back across her mouth. At first, Carla planned to make it as difficult as possible for the man to do, but upon noticing the gun in his right pocket she decided against it.

Dave then turned his attentions back to JD who was lay unmoving over his best friend's legs. Not sure if he was still conscious the man nudged the young doctor none too gently with his foot. JD once again let out a moan as the foot dug into his injured ribs.

"Get on with it! We haven't got all day."

JD's shaky hands tried to push against the floor so he could raise his body up slightly but he didn't have the strength to support his weight. Another pain shot up through his body. His breathing was ragged and unsteady and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. If he managed to inject his best friend properly, it would be a miracle.

Getting the needle onto the syringe was the toughest job. Every time he had both hands working in co-ordination, one would spasm and completely miss it's target. Each time he missed, he took another deep breath and tried again. His head pounded and was starting to feel heavy, when he finally got the needle onto the syringe, he dropped his head on Turk's knee and with his right hand carefully injected him in the thigh. After he was done, his body gave in and became lax. A feeling of satisfaction and achievement washed over him as he thought about the fact that he had probably just saved his friend's life.

However, that was short lived as once again, he felt the strong hands of his tormentor on him. Pulling at him, dragging him away from his friend.

"I don't want you getting too comfortable there." He started laughing as the now familiar rib pain crippled JD. "You belong to me, if I wanted to pimp you out to black surgeons, believe me, I would."

Dave turned to look at Dr. Cox as he heard a muffled growl from the corner of the room.

_Yeah, you bastard. You glare at me all you want. You can't just say something like that and expect no reaction. Is that all that Newbie is worth to you?!!! I swear, I will kill you. _

"Oh, look at this Johnny... We have someone who's jealous here."

_I glare towards this nutter who now has Newbie around the shoulders and has forced him to stand up. The poor kid looks as if he's gonna fall apart any second. Every move is making him to wince. I hope this guy's not going where I think he's going with this conversation._

"Well don't worry Dr. Cox. I only said black surgeons... nothing about middle-aged doctors."

Grabbing JD by the back of the head again, Dave pushed him down so that the side of his face was buried deep into Dr. Cox's leg. Cox jumped slightly, startled by the sudden movement. He could feel the intern's hot panicked breath against his leg. Both knew that Dave had narrowly missed his original target.

Both JD and Dr. Cox were bright red with humiliation as Dave tried to move JD's face closer to Cox's groin. A cry of pain escaped the young man's lips and he was quickly pulled away.

"Look at him." JD was now kneeling with his back to Dave, his face trapped between the man's giant hands. His own hands wrapped around his battered rib cage. JD averted his gaze from his mentor.

"LOOK AT EACH OTHER, DAMN IT!" JD was shaken hard. Unshod tears escaped his eyes. He shuddered as he took in a deep breath and raised his gaze to meet Cox's. Both men looked as though they wanted to crawl under a huge rock and never speak of what just happened again.

Dave laughed.

"I take it you don't want a go then doctor?" Dave playfully messed up JD's hair then returned his hand back to holding his face. "I don't really blame you. I mean, We've tried this before. Unfortunately, the little brat wouldn't behave himself so the guy didn't pay up. Then word gets round, then no-one wants to know."

At first JD had drawn his gaze away from Dr. Cox who was currently looking midway between shocked and saddened, then he tried to turn his head up towards Dave seemingly in protest.

In a broken voice JD managed to assemble some words.

"Hey! That's not true! That guy beat the crap out of me."

"Yes, because you wouldn't behave!"

"No! I did nothing."

Snapping his head back, JD gasped as he realised what he had just said.

Dave once again laughed.

"Well, that's not something I would have admitted in front of my friends. You did nothing? No Johnny... you _are _nothing. No-one's gonna want to touch you after this. You're disgusting. You can't tell me you didn't know I was lying about your father wanting me to do all of that stuff. To keep the family going? God, you were stupid, a blind man would have seen through that."

"I was young, I didn't know..." JD could hardly breathe. Tears were running freely down his face.

"Okay, well you do now! And what exactly are you doing about it?... Nothing! Don't give me all that 'I'm so innocent crap'. You came to me Johnny, you came to me for the love. Not your father!... Now kiss him.."

The words didn't quite register with JD for a moment, then he realised what had been said. He didn't really understand it.

"..W-what?"

"Kiss him." JD found himself being pushed once again in the direction of Dr. Cox.

Carla turned to the three men shocked at what Dave was suggesting.

Dr. Cox's eyes widened beyond belief, he moved as far back into the wall as he could manage but he could not escape the fact that his intern was having his face slowly pushed towards his own.

All of a sudden, Dr. Cox felt the now familiar the sensation of cold metal being pressed against his temple again.

"Kiss him, or he dies. Your choice Johnny."

Up until that point JD had been trying his hardest to turn his face away from his mentor. But faced with a decision which meant certain embarrassment or certain death he knew which option he had to go for.

JD allowed his mouth to be directed towards Dr. Cox. He was going to kiss him to save his life, but he sure as hell wasn't going to initiate it without a little help.

Dave forcefully shoved JD onto Cox, who even through his gag held his lips tightly shut. JD's mouth finally reached Dr. Cox's and after much humiliation, he gently kissed him.

Dave laughed once again, especially at the sickened expression on Cox's face.

"Good boy Johnny. Ha, that's five bucks buddy." Getting no response from the older doctor he smiled. "Just kiddin'" He removed the gun from the side of Cox's head then got JD in another headlock. "Now you must excuse us, we have some business to attend to in the bedroom." JD screamed in pain as his ribs were jolted into a hideously uncomfortable angle and he was forced to stand up. Dr. Cox winced, scarcely realising what Dave had said. He only took notice when JD was dragged towards his bedroom, then he began pulling away from the wall and trying to yell insults through his gag. But it was too late. The door was shut and the muffled sounds of a small struggle could be heard through the door, shortly followed by uncontrollable sobs. Then nothing.

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_We've heard nothing for half an hour, nothing but the odd bump against the wall or the odd moan coming from inside Newbie's bedroom. It is his bedroom, but I very much doubt he'll ever sleep in there again. It's amazing and terrifying how many things can change in such a short period. _

_This morning I just thought that Newbie was a quirky young doctor who loved to irritate me from time to time because he enjoyed being around me and respected me. Now he's some child abuse victim who is quirky because he doesn't really know how to behave normally around people. He follows me around because he's never really had a stable male influence in his life and he hopes he can find that in me. _

_This morning, Ghandi was fit and healthy with not a care in the world, and now he's fighting for his life and has lost his father. _

_This morning, Carla and I would have taken on the world under any circumstances and in any situation, yet now, here we are sat in silence too tired to do or say anything any more. Both resigned to the fact that, chances are, none of us will survive this._

_Now everything is different. Hell, if we do get out of here alive, it will be impossible to return back to normal. I can't pretend that I will look at Newbie in the same way as I have always done. I can't. Everything he does I know damn fine I will be assessing and looking for a reason behind it. The kid will never be the same. He's got through all of this once in his life, can a person come back twice? I'm not sure they can. Good God, he's having Christ knows what done to him in there, who says there even is a coming come back? He could be dead right now. The pain he must be feeling-_

_KNOCK KNOCK_

_Carla and I jump in shock and then look to each other, adrenaline suddenly rushing through our bodies. We don't know what to do! What the hell can we do??!! All we know is there's someone at the door! _


	14. My Eden

**I still can't believe how many reviews I have got. Yey! I feel so popular. I thought this time I would reply to the reviews. I won't be doing this every chapter because I feel it interrupts the flow, but just as a treat:P**

**Vegela – Thanks for constant support with this story, I really do appreciate your reviews and I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!**

**Purerandomness – Yes, I think it did hurt JD a lot, lol. God help me, I love JDA. Thanks for the positive review :D Keep reading!**

**Mistress Anei Kasai – Sorry for keeping you waiting so long, I've had my nursing studying to contend with! But finally this chapter is up! Hope you like!**

**The pills go in your mouth – Awesome name by the way. Lol. Yeah, sorry about all the cliffhangers. It drives me mad when I read other people's stories and they do that, now I'm doing it myself :D**

**Erica – That's exactly what I was aiming for really. I want the reader to have absolutely no idea what is going to happen and I love twists and turns. Trust me, we're not quite done with them yet either. Thanks!! Hopefully, I won't make it too complicated though!**

**Vaoni – Lol, don't die! I hope this chapter resuscitates you!**

**LilviorX – Thanks for the review! I'm really glad your enjoying the story. I won't give you any spoilers really, but I do have to say unfortunately there's not gonna be any slash! Please don't kill me. I don't really think it's a realistic ending for this story but don't worry, there will be some good Coxy and JD moments later on, but not slashy :P Sorry :D**

**Bree1387 – Thanks for the tip about hyperglycemia, lol. I really need to get my nursing head on :D Would have really messed up the story had you not noticed! Glad you're enjoying.**

**PurplePebble – I'm glad you're enjoying. Yeah, it's taken a long vacation this time! I've known what I've wanted to write for ages, it's just writing it that's been the problem. I've been putting off writing the first paragraph for a long time. But finally here it is, hope you enjoy!**

**Vindictive Muse – I hate Dave too! Lol, but he's great to write. I still don't feel I've gotten enough depth out of the character yet though, so in later chapters I think I will delve a little deeper! At the moment, he kinda feels like a B Movie criminal or something! Lol, thanks for the review!**

**Pinching – DUN DUN DUN! Is it Elliot? Is it not? The wait is over:D Thanks for the review!**

**Rabid-squirell-3 – I'll throw a pillow on the floor to cushion your fall! Thank you for your reviews! I'm glad you're enjoying!**

**Alexa – Thank you for the review. To be honest, I don't really want to comment on any of that really. But I appreciate your compliments and please keep reading!**

**I-Shave-Clowns – Ah, a proposal, thank you:P I'm glad you're enjoying!**

**Fiona – Thank you!! (sorry I gotta cut these short now, it's kind of taking over the page, lol)**

**Psamiad – Yeah, Cox was unnecessarily mean but he was trying to see how far he could push JD before he snapped. Plus, it makes the aftermath all the more interesting! Thanks for the review :D**

**Sanskrit – Thank you! Hope I haven't kept you waiting too loooooong. **

**Iconic Superheroes – Yes, this is pretty sick. And I have worried at times whether it's been too graphic, but that really is only a couple of chapters and most of the graphic stuff is done with now, it has been rather exhausting to write but I wanted to get across the true horror of what his friends were watching. I'm glad you like it though, keep reviewing!**

**Isabella Rosellini – Yeah, in my head he's my lover too, haha! Glad your enjoying!**

**OKAY, please don't be too confused by the beginning of this chapter. May seem an odd way of doing things but it works in my head :D Enjoy! This is a pretty short chapter by the way! Sorry!**

* * *

_I don't really know where I am at the moment. I feel completely at peace. It's strange, like floating. As corny as it sounds... My mind feels clear... unburdened. Like it's been set free from a lifetime of captivity. I can almost feel a cool, soothing breeze sweeping through my mind, cleansing everything it touches. I feel clean. Am I dead? At this moment, I really don't know... I could be. If I am, I don't think I mind too much... this place is too pleasant._

_Somewhere in the distance I can hear soft voices. I can't make out what they are saying, but each time they speak, they grow louder. They're coaxing me back to a place I'm not sure I want to go. I'm torn. In these voices I can hear sorrow and torment, with each word a little bit of this peace is stripped away. I can't remember how I've ended up in this place, but now I'm here, I'm not sure I want to leave. But for some reason I'm being pulled back. The voices are growing louder as I'm being dragged away from my eden. Slowly, everything grows darker, until all that was once light is gone. The voices have become faint mumblings, but there is a steady beeping sound which is already driving me insane. _

_Suddenly, my mind feels heavy. I feel heavy. A shudder of reaction moves through me as I take a deep breath. I move my head to reacquaint myself with my body, it feels heavy, and almost foreign. To be honest, I nearly forgot it was there._

_After what seemed like hours, which in reality was probably only a minute or two, the voices finally started to make sense. It was like emerging from underwater after holding your breath for a long time. Everything was much clearer._

"JD?... JD.. open your eyes sweetie. Talk to me."

_I knew that voice... Carla. She had been the one calling me back. I couldn't help but smile slightly at the thought of her mothering me._

"Sweetie, come on... Don't you smile at me! Please, try to open your eyes."

_Suddenly, I felt my heavy eyelids try to open. It's strange, I had almost completely forgotten that I had eyes that needed to be opened. No wonder it was so dark._

"That's it, try again."

_Obviously didn't succeed on the first attempt. I feel my heavy eyelids try to force themselves open again. A flash of dim light slid through the slight gaps but once again, the weight of my eyelids and the lack of control I seemed to have over my body at the moment drew them to a close._

"Come on JD, you can do it."

_And I believed her. Third time lucky! This time my eyelids managed to slide open and amazingly, stay open. Everything was blurred. The room wasn't particularly bright, it was obviously night time. As my eyes tried to focus I heard Carla shout for a doctor. It took a while, but eventually my vision was clear... thank God._

_As the feeling returned to my limbs I started to feel whole again and realized that Carla was holding onto my hand. I felt kinda cheated because in movies whenever anyone wakes up in hospital, they always say 'where am I?'. But I knew just where I was. _

_I managed to focus on Carla's face, she had tears in her eyes but she was smiling. Although she seemed completely happy and excited to see me (who wouldn't be?), something was wrong. She looked tired, her face was drawn through obvious lack of sleep, her usually perfect curly hair hadn't been touched by a brush for God knows how long and her eyes were dark with worry and sorrow. Then the second most common question hit me as I tried to find my voice._

"W-what happened?"

Unfortunately, Carla was given no time to answer as the doctor swept her out of JD's way. However, he could still feel her reassuring grip on his hand telling him she wasn't going anywhere.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Burne. Welcome back. Sorry about shifting Carla out of your sight for a little while but I just need to do a couple of checks with you to make sure that everything's working fine for you upstairs, okay?"

JD nodded silently in response, obviously having a little trouble taking in everything the doctor had said.

"Okay, I'm sure you know the drill, I'm just going to check your eyes," He shined the light into JD's eyes causing him to squint slightly at the sudden intensity. "Okay, great. Everything looks normal. Now I just need to ask you a few easy questions, if you have any difficulty thinking of an answer, don't worry. This is just an initial check and it's quite common to experience a little memory loss so soon after waking up. Okay?"

Once again, JD nodded silently.

"Right, great. Okay, can you please tell me your full name?"

JD looked at the doctor as if he had jumped off another planet. He never realized how stupid he must have sounded asking patients those sorts of questions.

"I never said the questions were hard, I'm sorry, you know aswell I do. This has to be done."

JD's voice broke as he tested his vocal chords for a second time.

"J-Jonathan Michael Dorian."

"Okay, and where are you right now?"

"Sacred Heart Hospital."

"Great, how old are you Jonathan?"

"Please, call me JD. I'm 28."

"Okay, JD, and do you know why you are here?"

_Oh God, I can't think for the life of me why I might be here! _

_I close my eyes and try to think, when I realize I have no memory of any injuries my eyes shoot open. I know I'm looking at the man and he is talking to me but I'm not hearing any words. My heart must have skipped about ten beats. How can I not remember? Something so major and I can't remember. I can feel myself panicking and my breathing is getting heavier. I think I'm starting to hyperventilate, I shift my arms to try to sit myself up but an excruciating pain shoots through my wrists and my ribs. I feel light headed, I'm going to pass out. I can hear voices telling me to calm down and stop moving, then a broad hand clasps me on the shoulder. I flinch as the pain in my ribs takes me back to my painful memories, they all come flooding through as the gates open. They flash before my eyes like lightning bolts in a storm, each one stronger than the last. When I feel I can't experience anymore, blissful darkness rescues me._

* * *

Carla stood by the window of JD's hospital room. She had to get out of the suffocating atmosphere for just a few minutes at least. She had spent most of the past week at the hospital watching over Turk after he was admitted into hospital in a diabetic coma. Unfortunately, JD had given him too much insulin after forgetting to check the amount in the syringe. Luckily, he was only unconscious for a day and a half. But it was enough to keep Carla busy worrying for a week. Turk was still being kept in hospital because of Carla's paranoia that they should still be keeping an eye on him and thanks to her persistence, Kelso had agreed to him staying a few more days. Mainly for the peace and quiet. 

However, this had only caused problems with Turk's family who wanted him home for his father's funeral. They had managed to delay it for another three days but were unwilling to postpone any longer. Deep down, Carla had made Turk stay in hospital because she knew he was having difficulty deciding whether to leave JD when he still could have died. Thankfully, now with JD awake, Turk would go to his father's funeral without worrying about losing his best friend.

The last week had been extremely stressful for Carla. Unfortunately, she'd had to deal with the chance of losing her husband, his best friend, dealing with Turk's distraught family over the phone, talking to Elliot and trying to reassure her and talking to the police. Whilst, all the while she was dealing with her own issues and fears after facing the barrel of a gun over and over.

The stress was taking it's toll on all of them. If anything, they looked worse than they did when they actually left the apartment that day. Since then, everyone had been in a state of shock. Grief had been consuming them all.

Dark circles shadowed Carla's eyes as she turned to find Laverne walking Turk up in a wheelchair. Turk gave Carla a ghost of a smile.

"Baby, was the wheelchair really necessary?"

She looked away from her husband matching his small smile and glanced into JD's room again where the smile left her face.

"It's late and I knew you'd be tired."

Laverne put her hand on Carla's shoulder.

"I've called Marshmallow. She said she would be here soon. You look like you need a strong coffee."

Laverne took a quick glance in JD's direction and shook her head, sadness filling her eyes. Her hand slipped gently off Carla's shoulder as she left to make her a hot coffee.

"Thanks, mama."

Both, husband and wife stood in silence for a few minutes staring at the broken form that was their friend. Neither really knowing what to say. Both, knowing there really wasn't a lot they could say. They both knew that JD would never be the same person again after everything that had happened. They couldn't even consider _themselves_ the same people they were before. Never mind him. It didn't seem right, that someone so sweet and innocent as JD could have been hiding such horrible secrets. It didn't seem right that someone that naive and immature should be lying in a hospital bed beaten and scarred both on the inside and out. Out of all of the emotions Turk and Carla had been feeling over the past week, anger seemed to be the one it all came back to. Anger ate away at them. Anger at Dave. Anger at themselves. Anger at each other. But in the end, none of it helped. All that was important at the moment was helping JD.

"Dr. Burne has sedated him. He should be coming round soon," Carla spoke quietly. When Turk looked surprised she continued talking. "He couldn't remember what happened, but after a minute or so I think it started coming back to him. I don't know what triggered it. But he panicked and there was nothing else he could do. He would only have injured himself... But like I said. He'll be coming round soon."

Turk nodded quietly and turned back to watching his friend.

Suddenly the sound of running caught Turk and Carla's attention. They both looked to find Elliot racing down the corridor towards them. She reached the slightly amused looking couple and ground to a halt trying to stop herself from entering a coughing fit. She managed to grind some words out between her heavy breathing.

"How... is he?..."

Turk tried to suppress a grin as he watched Elliot attempt to regain her composure.

"You enjoy cardio then, huh?"

Elliot gave Turk a look that could kill as Carla clipped him around the head and began telling Elliot what she had just told her husband. Then all they could do was wait.

* * *

_Waking up the second time was a lot easier than the first. I knew where I was, who the voices belonged to and unfortunately, why I was here. My body felt more like my own, but there was a lot more pain this time, my ribs were aching like crazy and for some reason my wrists were stinging. I can't relate to any injuries to my wrists though. From what I can remember they were fine. _

_I feel a soft hand stroking my forehead, I can't help but flinch. I inwardly slap myself, I can't offend people like that. I was only just starting to get out of that habit! Thankfully, the hand doesn't shift and I open my eyes to be greeted by two pretty blue ones._

"Hey, JD."

_I manage to croak out the words 'Hey Elliot' and she smiles sadly at the weakness of my voice. All of a sudden I feel frustrated. I wish people wouldn't give me that sympathetic look. I feel embarrassed enough as it is without having my last bit of dignity snatched away by everyone's sympathy. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to make them realize how much I hate them for knowing this much about me._ _For having seen my weaknesses and for now knowing that I have little or no strengths. Suddenly, I want the bed to swallow me. I turn away from Elliot to find Turk standing to my other side._

"Hey, man. You okay? You were out for a week you know! At one point we thought we were gonna lose you!"

"Yeah, JD.. you died once," Elliot reiterated the point with tears sliding down her cheeks. "If we'd have lost you..." She couldn't say anymore, she just bent over JD and placed a kiss on his forehead.

_I resisted the urge to yell at her to get off me. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't any of their faults. If anything, they should be blaming me for causing them so much trouble. They all look so tired. Taking a second glance at Turk, I notice something I didn't realize before... hospital gown? What the hell?_

_Once again, I try to squeak out some words._

"Turk,... why... are you wearing... hospital... gown?"

_I see him shoot a worried look to Carla, this isn't good._

"Um, well... My diabetes has been actin' up."

_I look between Turk, Carla and Elliot and there is obviously something they aren't telling me. As I'm about to tell them that I don't believe their lies I catch a glimpse of my wrist as I go to itch my face. My wrist is wrapped in bandage but peeking out from underneath is the end of some sutures. I look to my other wrist and it appears to be in the same condition. I look from one to the other in disbelief. When did this happen?_

Carla was the only on to speak up after seeing the horrified look on JD's face. There was no way she could hide him from this truth.

"Sweetie, he, um... he slit your wrists."

Although JD had already figured that out for himself, hearing it out loud came as a shock to him and his head abruptly shot up to meet Carla's gaze.

She continued, "You lost a lot of blood. In the end you needed a blood transfusion, luckily that saved you. But like Elliot said, we nearly lost you at one point."

_I found myself speechless. There were so many questions whirling around in my head at that moment. I didn't even know where to start. What happened? How did we get out? When did he slit my wrists? Is he still alive? _

Carla continued her story.

"The police were called after some people upstairs heard gunshots," Carla looked gingerly towards JD. "But I'm sorry honey... he got away."

The information didn't seem to be sinking into JD's mind. Carla, Turk and Elliot had been watching him thoroughly and since he found out that his wrists had been slit he had yet to give any obvious reactions. It was almost as if he was in his own little world. But all of a sudden, something dawned on him and a look of pure horror spread across his face.

"Where is Dr. Cox?" He asked, voice shaking.

His three friends exchanged another knowing look and Carla grabbed hold of his hand.

"He's not going to be coming, sweetie."

_Oh my God, my head is spinning. They gave each other that look where they know something they don't want to tell me. Oh God, oh God, she said something about gunshots! What if Dr. Cox has been shot? What if he's dead? That would be all because of me! I want to ask her why, what's happened, what she means... but I can't find the words. I feel completely exasperated. I think she can tell because she carries on talking._

"He's not been hurt, don't worry... but, um..." She looked up at Turk and Elliot who both nod to her to carry on.

_Oh God, there's a but! What's with the bloody dramatic pause????!! All of a sudden the frustration wells up inside of me and I find myself badgering Carla to tell me._

"What? What?... What the hell is it??" _The irritation is clear in my voice, I don't mean to be rude to Carla, but it's so frustrating being kept in the dark._

Tears welled up in Carla's eyes as she prepared herself for what she was about to say.

"Um, well I don't think Dr. Cox will be coming for a while 'cause um... Jordan's dead."

_Oh._


	15. My Old Fears

**Ah, I still can't believe the amount of reviews. And I'm so sorry I've kept you all waiting so long. It wasn't my intention, just sometimes life gets in the way! But hopefully you won't be disappointed! As much as I would like to say I know where this chapter is going, to be honest, I have no idea. So I'll just write and see how I go. I need to get into the swing of it all again!**

**But thank you so much for all of the supportive reviews. They are so encouraging and as tempting as it might seem when life gets hectic, I will definitely not abandon this story, I will always get round to writing a chapter eventually. :) Hope you enjoy!  
**

* * *

Two hours had passed since JD had awoken the second time. The news of Jordan's untimely death was not a pleasant welcome back surprise, however he had to be informed.

No-one had really known how he would react. Carla had expected tears and a lot of guilt, Turk had expected anger, at both himself and Dave. Elliot hadn't known what to expect. But no-one had expected no reaction at all.

Not a word had left JD lips since Carla told him the terrible news. Even when she recounted the story of how Jordan died. He just stared straight ahead. They couldn't even tell if he was listening, it was either going straight over his head or he was soaking it up like a sponge. At this point, it was hard to tell which was the preferred scenario.

Eventually his three friends left the room deciding that perhaps a little time alone may be beneficial to JD's mental state. So, there they were in the lonely cafeteria at three in the morning, sitting in silence contemplating the week's events.

It wasn't a particularly comfortable silence. Each person felt as if they should be saying something to comfort the other, or coming up with some sort of action plan on how to work a miracle so everything could return back to the way it was before all of this happened. But obviously that wasn't possible now. Things had gone too far, too many lives had been turned upside down to find a miracle fix. So, they sat quietly instead, Elliot constantly stirring her coffee, Carla staring out of the window and Turk gazing tiredly at the floor.

Shifting slightly in his wheelchair, Turk was the first to speak.

"I just can't believe any of this." It wasn't a particularly shocking statement, but it seemed to snap Elliot and Carla out of whatever trance they were in.

Still, it took a while for either to reply.

"I know... it just feels so unreal." Elliot said quietly. "I mean, _JD_, of all people. I just, I... I can't understand it."

"And then Jordan" Carla added.

"I know, poor Dr. Cox. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. I mean, Jordan shouldn't have even been there. It's all my fault, I told her he was round at the apartment! How stupid could I be??"

"Elliot, you have to stop beating yourself up. You weren't exactly expecting anything like that to happen." Carla tried to comfort her friend. "Besides, it was Jordan's decision to go round in the end."

"I don't know. I just wish that I had been there, maybe I could have done something."

"No, Elliot. Stop right there." Turk had heard enough. "I don't wanna hear you say that ever again! You hear me? Consider yourself lucky you weren't there, consider yourself lucky that you didn't see what we saw! Never, _ever_ wish that you were in the apartment that day-"

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts, Elliot. I'm being serious. What we saw in there I wouldn't want my worst enemy to see. It knocks me sick to my stomach. And to think, that... that bastard got away with it. He destroyed my best friend right in front of my eyes. In our own apartment! He'll never be the same again and you wish you had been there? Just do me a favour, Elliot don't ever let me hear you say that again."

Elliot stared right back at Turk, trying to figure out whether he was genuinely annoyed at her or whether he was just devastated for his friend. After a few seconds, she realised it was the latter as he soon broke down into quiet sobs. Carla put her arm around his shoulders pulling him in close. She had never really seen Turk cry before, except after sex of course.

"Let it out, baby." She whispered into his ear.

At this his sobs grew louder as he tried to speak through his tears.

"Baby... what-if-he's... never-the-same?" He said in a broken voice.

Carla exchanged a glance with Elliot, both faces were full of sadness.

All she could say was;

"I don't know baby, I don't know."

* * *

Elliot walked in the direction of JD's room, the Janitor was stood by the Nurse's station. He looked sombre and deep in thought. The whole atmosphere within the hospital that night was completely depressing.

It seemed strange to Elliot how for the past week it only seemed to be their lives that had been affected. But now JD was awake and stable, it seemed like everyone else had suddenly felt the shock and grief of the past week too. Unless, she had been too absorbed in her own grief that she hadn't noticed anyone else's.

As she approached the Janitor she wiped the tears from her eyes, she was amazed she actually had any tears left to shed. Leaning against the station next to him she spoke softly.

"Surely you're not on a shift at this time?"

The Janitor turned to meet her gaze.

"Hm, not tonight. Sometimes, I come in anyway. Nothing else better to do I suppose. Plus, I can access everyone's files."

Elliot gave him a shocked look.

"No security."

Eyes still wide open, she gave him a nod then slightly shook her head when he wasn't looking.

"I guess you've not been to see JD then?"

"Why do you say that?" The Janitor turned, slightly curious.

"Well, you two don't exactly get along. I mean, you spend most of your time making things difficult for him. I dunno, I just assumed you didn't like him."

"Nah. It's not that. I admit, I find him annoying. But I don't dislike him."

"Well, then why do you pick on him so much?"

Sighing, the Janitor turned to look towards the young doctor's room.

"Easy target, I guess... And no, you're right, I haven't been to see him. Don't really think it's a good idea."

"Why?" Elliot furrowed her brows.

"Would you?... To me, it's just practical jokes. Fun to cure my boredom. But to him, I've probably just made things worse over the years." With that he pushed away from the station and walked off down the hall.

Elliot was going to call after him to get him to stop, but she felt a little insensitive and slightly embarrassed at the prospect of shouting 'Janitor!' down the hall. She really should have learned his name by now.

Instead, she leaned further against the counter and considered the eerie atmosphere. She found herself amazed at the effect that one person could have on so many people. It was like the whole hospital was in a state of shock and mourning. It annoyed her slightly, people were almost acting as if JD were dead. Perhaps, in their eyes he was. Maybe they had already accepted something that she could hardly even bear to think about. The death of JD as he was, his personality, his spirit.

Even thinking about that for a split second scared her enough to shake her head and rid herself of such thoughts. If he could get through it as a child, then he could get through it again now, right?

Perhaps they weren't grieving for JD at all, after all Jordan's funeral was fast approaching. That was bound to affect a lot of people. She may not have been that popular, but it's always a shock when someone you're used to seeing in daily life suddenly isn't there anymore.

But deep down, she knew that such a strong grief could not be held solely for Jordan. Seeing the Janitor made her realise that. JD had touched so many people in many different ways. He wasn't the most liked person either, in fact he got on a lot of people's nerves. But people always seemed to respond to his cheery exterior and banter. Something Elliot could never tolerate when they dated. In fact, she despised the way he was always so care free and nothing was taken seriously. She was jealous of him. Even now, she could still feel the pangs of jealousy she felt back then when she thought about their time together. She even felt jealous of the fact that he could go through so much as a child and manage to come out such a happy-go-lucky guy, when all she could do was let the negative stuff bring her down.

She started to ponder on how people would react to her in that sort of situation. Would there be the same sort of shock? Would people feel the same about her? Or would they not care?

She once again shook herself out of her thoughts. She was thinking about JD as if he had died. And how could she possibly be jealous of him at a time like this? It was crazy, she knew. But she was hardly renowned for a rational mind.

Hearing footsteps approaching down the hall she turned to find Carla practically sleep walking towards her.

"How is he?" She asked tiredly.

"Oh, I don't know. I've not been in yet. Thought I'd leave him for a bit."

Carla gave her a look which Elliot read as 'It's okay to take some time for yourself you know.'

Turning towards JD's room she went to knock on the door which had been left closed for his privacy.

"You coming in?" She turned back to Elliot.

Elliot swallowed hard.

"Um, no - Carla. You go ahead. I'll... I'll follow in a bit."

Carla continued into the dark room. JD was obviously asleep as his breathing was far too shallow for him to be awake. How he managed to get to sleep on the other hand was a mystery. He must have been exhausted. She was about to approach the bed when something caught her eye. A dark shadow in the shape of a man sat in the corner chair.

From where she was stood, she could not make out who it was.

Sheepishly she whispered to the shadow, careful not to wake up JD. After receiving no response, she approached the chair slowly. The room was so dark, whoever was in that chair had obviously closed all of the curtains and blinds to make sure it was completely black.

After what seemed like an eternity she was a couple of feet away from the chair, she gingerly reached out towards the man. Then he moved. She nearly jumped out of her skin and only just managed to stifle a scream at the sharp movement. Suddenly there was a hand wrapped around her wrist. This time she let out a quick squeal and started pounding on the hand.

"Carla."

She stopped when she heard the voice.

* * *

They sat in the staff room.

"Dr. Cox, what are you doing here?" Carla looked at her old friend's tear stained face, his eyes were bloodshot and his facial hair was growing rapidly out of control. He looked awful. She could smell the strong scent of beer, whiskey... and was that cigarettes? She couldn't help but crinkle her nose up at the aroma.

"I don't know. Thought it would help." His voice broke as he spoke.

"Dr. Cox, you need to be at home. I know you're probably worried about JD but-"

"Worried about _him, _Carla?" The usual strength in his voice returned. "What the hell? Jordan would still be here if it wasn't for _him_!"

The ease in which Cox could say those words concerned Carla. She was slightly surprised at the venom in her colleague's voice.

"Well she didn't choose to die, did she? And whose fault was it that I was at your apartment in the first place? Because it sure as hell wasn't hers! I wouldn't be worried about him anymore, Carla. I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire! If he'd just left me alone from day one, done as I said, none of this would have happened!"

Carla looked shocked.

"So you're blaming JD for all of this?! Dr. Cox, none of this was his fault!"

"Who was the one who involved me in all of his personal problems? Who was the one who ignored all of my orders to leave me alone? Who kept pushing and pushing for me to behave like a father figure? If it wasn't for him, Jordan would still be alive."

"Dr. Cox, what have you done?" Carla said quietly, gazing seriously at her friend. She didn't particularly want to hear the answer to this as she knew just by talking to Cox that he'd had a hell of a lot to drink. He was bad enough with JD when he didn't have any alcohol in his system.

He shrugged his shoulders.

"Just had a little chat."

"Well, how is he sleeping?"

"He's not... he's unconscious" He said with a smirk.

Carla sprang out of her seat and rounded on Dr. Cox.

"What?!"

"He apologised, he actually had the nerve to apologise and think that it would make it all better. It wasn't even her problem, yet she dies and he lives. Where's the justice in that?"

"Dr. Cox, why is he unconscious?"

"I punched him in the face."

"Oh my god!! How could you?? He's in hospital for god's sake!" Carla quickly ran out of the room, down the halls and made her way to JD's bedside.

She switched on a light at the side of his bed and gave him a gentle shake which, thankfully seemed to bring him round. She was absolutely furious with Dr. Cox. She knew he would be grieving, but blaming JD, never mind hitting him, was inexcusable.

JD gave out a quiet moan as he came round. Carla could see a newly forming dark circle around his left eye where the previous bruising was just starting to subside. This made Carla even angrier.

"JD, are you okay?"

After another moan, JD opened his eyes to yet again see Carla.

"My Nightingale." He whispered.

Carla smiled softly at him. She knew he hated the sympathy but she couldn't help but felt sorry for him. He always seemed so young and child like, especially when he woke up.

"Dr. Cox said he came to see you."

This was her chance to find out what to expect from JD during his recovery. JD stuttered for a second.

"D-Did he?... Oh... I must have been asleep."

At this, Carla took on a complete look of disbelief. She expected him to make something up, or twist the truth a little bit. But not pretend that he hadn't seen him at all.

"But he said you had a talk."

She received no reply.

"JD?"

"JD??? Why are you ignoring me?"

Abruptly he sat up, an expression of utter agony crossed his face due to his ribs but he managed to grind out some words.

"Look Carla, I don't wanna talk about it okay?!! I'm sure you already know all of the details anyway so why the hell are you asking me?!!!!" Breathing heavily he pushed himself back down feeling another painful twinge from his ribs. He grimaced as he relaxed his muscles. He spoke again, his voice was much quieter this time.

"I realise it is my fault that everyone was dragged into this mess. If I could take Jordan's place I would. I swear to you, I would. But I can't and I'm going to live the rest of my life regretting that. But please, I just don't wanna talk about it. It'll only cause trouble that we can all do without."

JD turned his face away from Carla, and she reached to grab his hand but he quickly pulled it away.

"Please, Carla. Please just go. You've been hurt enough already... it's everyone around me, everyone I love. They have to go. Go. Please."

Worry shot across Carla's tired features, he wasn't making any sense to her.

"But JD-"

"JUST GO CARLA!"

His eyes were like nothing she'd ever seen before. So many emotions were swirling around, she saw hatred, not necessarily directed at her, she saw anger, guilt but most worryingly of all, she saw pure terror. If she was honest, his change in personality scared her. Not so much as for her own safety as for JD's. He seemed genuinely scared of himself, which scared her.

So she turned off the light and left to find the one person who could give her some answers.

* * *

**A/N: Oh dear, I'm not sure whether I like this chapter or not, it turned out completely different to what I was going to do. Dr. Cox wasn't going to come in until next chapter and someone else was supposed to be in that chair originally. But I missed the Coxy. Plus I've just realised there is no first person in this!! Woops, that wasn't meant to happen. But hey, I'll wait and see what you guys think. Sorry it's not a long chapter:D**


	16. My Guardian

**Hmmm... bet you thought you'd never see this one get picked up again. Neither did I to be honest, my interest in Scrubs has died somewhat since JD became a complete muppet. However, I do kind of want to finish this one. I just started reading it the other day and thought 'ooh... could do with finishing that'. And thank you so much to everyone for the fab reviews. Really not deserved considering how long it has been since the last installment, but I really hope you all re-read the story so we can pick up from where we left off! :)**

As Carla stormed out of the staff room, Dr. Cox laughed bitterly. He was heavily intoxicated and when he threw his head back to rest on the couch, the room spun around violently. He groaned loudly as a sickly feeling rose in his chest. Suddenly feeling the extreme urge to vomit, he threw himself unsteadily towards the nearest toilet cubicle, making it with a split second to spare.

He brought up straight alcohol. No food had passed his lips for many hours. He leaned heavily onto the toilet seat, as disgusting as it looked, he didn't care. He just wanted to keep being sick until the nausea passed. Once his body could take no more, he gave a final wretch and dropped his head onto the arm resting across the toilet seat.

His hands were shaking, his breathing was unsteady and shallow and his legs felt like the last drop of blood had been drained from them. Taking a few unsure gasps of air, Perry reached up to flush the toilet. That was when he spotted the red ring that marred his wrist. His only physical memory of what had happened in recent days. He stared at it long and hard as memories crashed into his mind, JD being beaten, JD being molested against his will, JD's lips pressing against his own, JD being dragged into that bedroom, JD, JD, JD!

Cox screamed in anger, punching the cubicle walls over and over and pulling off the toilet seat in a child like temper tantrum. Finding no comfort in hitting inanimate objects, he took to hitting himself in the head, over and over until he finally broke down into desperate sobs. Although his wife was always in his thoughts, these tears weren't for her. He had already cried a river and drank a river of alcohol in her memory. These tears were from a more painful place. A place he never wanted to go to, a place that he had tried to protect with the illusion of blame over Jordan's death. Hitting JD was his way of protecting himself from having to accept that he cared about the kid, his way of distancing himself from the whole thing. Something he had a lifetime's worth of experience in. But he just couldn't distance himself from this.

Everything was different, JD was most certainly going to be different. And whilst he pretended he didn't care, that thought, deep down, terrified him. And accepting that meant that he would have to put someone else first and upset the balance of having JD merely as a hollow figure for him to pick on. He would have to treat JD as he now saw him, as a whole person, one with feelings, emotions, a past, he would have to consider his thoughts and take care of him. But most of all, JD had shown him up for what he really was... A coward.

Cox had practically drowned himself in self-sympathy over the years because of a couple of difficult years in childhood, finding out someone as sunny as JD had held his secret back for so many years without even a hint of resentment or self-pity made him feel like a fraud.

Suddenly feeling extreme regret over punching JD, Dr. Cox pushed his face into his hands and groaned, frustrated.

_Why do you do this to people, Perry? Why?_

He rubbed his face, feeling absolutely rotten. His hands were still shaking from a combination of overwhelming emotion and intoxication.

Suddenly, he heard someone's shoes scuff the floor. He tried to push the door to, but his leg was in the way. Quickly shuffling about, he tried to remain unseen, but to no avail. Carla had come back.

Furiously, Carla marched up to the cubicle, ready to give Dr. Cox the reprimanding of a lifetime, but when she saw him slumped on the floor next to the toilet, tear tracks running down his face, all the anger melted away.

"Oh Perry." She said gently, "come here sweetie." She reached her hand into the cubicle grabbing onto Cox's. He didn't fight with her, he merely did as she asked. She led him into the staff room and sat him back down on the couch.

She sat next to him in silence, just waiting for him to say something – anything. She didn't have to wait long. Dr. Cox suddenly broke down again, hiding his face with his hands, his voice was muffled.

"I don't know what to do, Carla! I just don't know what to do!"

Carla was slightly taken aback at his outburst, but composing herself, she moved closer to Perry and put her arm around him.

"I know, sweetie. It sucks."

She sat with him until he stopped crying, after a short while he sat back and rested his head on her shoulder. Carla relaxed into the position. They sat in silence for many minutes.

"Why did you do it?" Carla finally broke the silence, she just stayed staring straight ahead, not disturbing their position.

"Do what?" He replied, his voice flat.

"Hit him." Carla said plainly.

Taking a deep breath in and out, Cox finally raised his head.

"Because I am a horrible, horrible person, Carla."

"No, you're not." She intervened. "You just make the wrong decisions sometimes."

"All the time." He retorted.

"Okay, most of the time." She conceded. "But that doesn't make you a horrible person. You are just..."

"Scared." He finished, flatly. He turned to her, his eyes glistening with tears, "I'm scared Carla."

Nothing needed to be discussed, they both knew who he was scared for and why. Tears started welling up in Carla's eyes and she turned to face her oldest friend.

"Me too... She said softly, "me too."

Perry put his arm around her and gently pulled her into him.

* * *

JD lay in the bed, staring at the door. His eyes were empty, he barely had the energy to keep breathing, never mind express any kind of emotion. He was getting more and more tired and his eyes kept flickering shut and he instinctively kept wrenching them open again.

_No,__must__stay__awake._Carla's earlier words kept swimming around in his head 'He got away'. _What__ if __I __wake __up __and __he's __here?__ What __if __I __wake __up __and __all __of __this __is __a __dream?__ What __if __I'm __really __just __still __in__ my __bedroom?__ -__ At __least __Jordan__ would __be__ alive__ – __What __if __he __comes __back __to __finish __the __job?_

JD's breathing quickened and he was soon hyperventilating. His chest ached painfully where his ribs had been savagely cracked. Reaching out for something to help him, anything, he accidentally knocked the remote control to his bed onto the floor.

The next second, a figure pushed open the door and stood in the doorway surrounded by the faint light of the corridors. JD couldn't focus on them, the shadows appearance only made his hyperventilation worse. Suddenly the figure spoke.

"Okay sport, calm down." Dr Kelso moved towards JD and put a soothing hand on his back. "You're okay, you're safe here." He said a gently and tactfully as he possibly could.

It took a good few minutes but following Kelso's lead, JD slowed his breathing down to a normal rate. He was sweating profusely by the time they had finished.

JD looked at Kelso with haunted eyes, they made him flinch. He didn't know the kid all that well, but he knew him well enough to know that they weren't his eyes.

"Okay sport, lie back now." He pushed JD backwards with a firm hand on his shoulder, JD followed his guidance, but as soon as his head hit the pillow, he fought against Kelso's arm.

"No! No, just... get off me!" He said in a complete panic. "Don't touch me."

Kelso held up both his hands.

"Okay, Dr. Dorian, okay. Just... just lie down."

JD shook his head free of ridiculous thoughts of being held down against his will, this was his _boss._He mumbled an uncomfortable apology.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Don't be." Kelso said, matter of factly.

Kelso walked across the room and grabbed a chair, he pulled it up to the bedside. JD looked at him, confused.

"I'm sorry, but, erm... is there something you want?" He asked, sheepishly.

Kelso looked him straight in the eye.

"Nope. Just sleep. I have work to do." He pulled out a pile of files from a bag JD hadn't even realised he had with him.

He stared at Kelso for a few seconds, watching him pull out his pen and starting working.

"But sir..." JD started, but was cut off by Kelso shushing him. His eyebrows raised in realisation.

Kelso was there to let him sleep.


	17. My Denial

**Thought I would update again, just to show that I am officially back and committed to finishing this story! Thank you for the reviews! I understand that 4 years is a long time to go without updating a story, but thankfully the other 15 chapters are there just waiting to remind you of what has happened and I would love it if you would re-read. I think you will find it JDAlicious! Please, please R&R! There was a time when reviews were coming in thick and fast for this story, so let's make it so again! ;) I'll make it worth your while! Taking a break on the 1st person for a little while too, there are too many emotions flying around to just focus on one perspective. Best to leave a bit of mystery, eh? Enjoy your angst dinner, with a side dish of angst! xx**

JD moaned quietly as he awoke, Kelso watched him intently, his brow furrowed with a mixture of sadness and concern. An expression that can only be found on an older person looking at the misfortunes of someone much younger and inexperienced. Rolling his head from one side to the other, JD was slowly stirring. Then suddenly, as if a vivid memory had disturbed him, his eyes shot open, he threw himself into a sitting position and his arms hit out to combat any possible assailant. His eyes were wild and desperate, searching the room for a split second before he realised he was in Sacred Heart. Almost as an after thought, JD then cried out in pain, clutching his sides where his ribs had been broken, falling back down to his pillow.

"You okay, sport?" Asked Kelso. JD shot his gaze towards the voice, a wince and a brief flash of fear betrayed his answer.

"Yes... sir." JD eyed Dr. Kelso with intrigue. "Have you been here all night?"

Kelso shuffled uncomfortably, muttering under his breath. "Well... in a... manner of.. er speaking..." He trailed off. After a few moments of awkward silence, Kelso continued. "But I must go now."

JD dropped his gaze and nodded, his face displayed no reaction.

As Kelso walked through the door, he went to close it. JD exploded with desperation.

"NO! No!" Kelso peered round the door, curiously. JD continued, "the door _must_ be open. It _must__be__open.__"_ He heavily emphasised the last three words as if it was some sort of compulsion. His eye contact with Kelso never faltered. This was an order.

Kelso merely nodded and pushed the door back so JD could see into the corridor. He took a final glance at the young doctor, then swiftly left.

The hospital was alive with people once again, as it had been when JD worked there only a week before. He could hear people chatting to each other and see people walking past his door. Some glanced in giving him the sympathetic eye. Although JD barely noticed, his gaze was fixed at a spot on the bed sheet. He was clearly deep in thought, so deep in thought he didn't even notice Turk, Carla and Elliot watching him from the Nurse's station.

* * *

Elliot stared at JD with great sadness in her eyes, she was just on the verge of shedding a tear when she pulled herself together. Turning to Carla and Turk she flicked her bangs out of her face and used her best commanding tone.

"Right, what do we do now?"

"Well there's not a lot I can do, Elliot, not till I come back anyway." Turk replied. Turk was only an hour away from leaving to attend his father's funeral, he had told his family he would stay for 2 days, but that was all. Deep down, Carla doubted he would keep to his promise. She didn't expect to see Turk for at least another 4 days. But she wasn't going to tell him that.

Carla rested her head in her hands. She didn't know how much more thinking she could do.

"I just don't know Elliot. I just don't know how to help him. He screamed at me to get out last night. He's terrified of losing us, so instead he's pushing us away."

"Well maybe together we'll have some more luck then?" Elliot smiled hopefully. "Show him that we're not going anywhere, well, except for Turk that is. But that... can't be... helped." She tailed off with the last couple of words, feeling slightly guilty for pointing that out. Carla shrugged her shoulders.

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"I don't see us having any other choice, baby, do you?" Turk wrapped his arm around his wife.

"Okay, let's do this." Elliot said with great positivity, although they all knew it was complete bravado, it did help them feel a little more confident.

So together they headed towards JD's door.

* * *

Cox entered the hospital, his pallor was sallow and unhealthy. He had dark circles around his eyes and his appearance was dishevelled. But for once, he was sober. He walked into the entrance hall with a purpose about him. Today, he decided, was the day he came back to work.

Laverne was stood behind the reception desk, her mouth dropped open when she saw Dr. Cox in his white lab coat.

"You cannot be serious." She questioned in her usual tone.

Dr. Cox simply eyed her and carried on his journey into the hospital.

Making his way over to the board, he picked up a pile of charts and proceeded to erase the names of some of the attendings on duty, inserting his own name next to the patients indicated on the charts. He smiled with satisfaction.

He suddenly heard Laverne's voice from down the corridor.

"Now this, Dr. Kelso, is something you gotta see."

Cox turned to see Laverne leading Kelso straight towards him. Nurses, interns and attendings alike, all stopped what they were doing in anticipation of a confrontation.

"Perry, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Kelso spoke through gritted teeth.

"I am returning to work, Bobbo. What did you expect me to do? Drink myself into oblivion?"

"It wouldn't be the first time." Kelso turned his head away and muttered. "You haven't even buried your wife yet, Perry. Don't be stupid."

"Actually, Bob, I buried her 2 days ago." He still used a mocking tone but there wasn't the same emotion behind it. "As if you think I would invite anyone from this God forsaken dump to my wife's funeral? It's because of this place that she is gone!"

Kelso couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.

"Her funeral has taken place?"

"Would you like to me to syringe your ear holes, handsome? Or shall I just say it again, a little bit louder?" Perry smiled with delight at mocking his boss.

"You should have told us." Kelso argued calmly.

"Why? So I can be another victim in this ridiculous story? What good would that do, Bob?"

Kelso's eyes softened slightly and he took his gaze away from Perry's and for a split second he glanced at JD's room. Cox watched him, slightly surprised.

"Fine." Kelso conceded, then snatched half of Cox's charts away. "But they are the most patients you are having." He nodded to the remaining charts in Cox's hands. "Take it or leave it."

Cox did his usual frustrated growl and answered through his teeth.

"Fine." He turned on his heels and walked off down the corridor.

* * *

"JD? Can we come in?" Elliot asked softly. He just kept staring. Turk shifted uncomfortably.

They moved further into the room, being very careful not to startle him. Carla nodded at Elliot to try again.

"JD?" She moved more into his line of sight. "JD? It's us." Elliot reached out to grab JD's hand but before she could get there, he shook himself as if leaving some sort of spell and looked up to meet her gaze.

Turk was still stood by the door, watching JD carefully and nervously.

"Oh... hey." JD managed a small smile. Then he looked to Carla sheepishly. "Have a sit down." He obviously felt guilty about what he had said the night before.

Carla smiled at him, her eyes lighting up at the recognition of their continued friendship. Elliot and Carla grabbed chairs as Turk eyed JD from the door. JD pretended not to notice.

"So... how are you?" Elliot asked and then felt extremely stupid. "Well... erm..." she turned her head to the side and quietly reprimanded herself. "Frick!" She turned back as if nothing had happened and smiled at JD.

For the first time, JD gave a genuine smile and shook his head to let her know it was okay.

"I'm okay."

"How did you sleep?" Carla asked.

"Good, thanks."

JD moved to sit up slightly and winced.

"Do you need some painkillers?" Carla moved to get up, "I'll get your doctor."

"No!... No. I'm okay." JD worked to control his frustrations. He didn't want everyone fussing over him like this. It just made him feel more weak.

"You sure?" Elliot questioned.

JD nodded as if to say, that's my final answer. A few moments of awkward silence arose and Carla found herself trying to fill it.

"Turk's going away today. To his Dad's funeral." JD finally acknowledged Turk, still feeling unable to give him eye contact.

"Oh, yeah... I'm sorry."

"Thanks man." Turk walked up to the end of the bed and leaned onto it. "Sorry I'm not gonna be around for the next couple of days. This is just... somethin' I gotta do." _He__ can't __even__ look__ at __me. __Does __he __hate __me __because __I __couldn't __help __him? __Or __does__ he__ just __feel __so __shit __about __himself__ that __he __can't __look __me __in __the __eye?_

"Turk," finally JD levelled his gaze with Turk's. "You don't have to feel bad about going to your own father's funeral."

Turk looked down at his feet.

"I know, but -"

"No buts Turk, I am fine." JD almost said the last few words in a tone that told Turk to drop it. As a result, Turk felt a flutter of frustration.

"Right." Turk said quietly and slightly sarcastically. JD weighed him up for a few seconds.

"Right?" JD questioned. Turk in return, weighed up JD wondering whether to answer, feeling frustrated, he let his temper get the better of him.

"Yeah, _right.__" _Turk repeated the word in the same sarcastic tone.

"What's that supposed to mean?" JD was looking annoyed now.

"Guys, let's not do this now." Elliot said carefully.

"No, Elliot! He has something to say, let him say it." JD said in a angry, desperate tone. Feeling slightly reprimanded, Turk turned away. "What's up, Turk? Can't even look at me now?" JD was getting some sort of warped satisfaction out of taking out his frustrations on his friends. He smiled. "Do I make you feel sick?"

Turk shot a shocked gaze at his friend.

"JD!" Carla tried to calm him down.

"Does it make you feel uncomfortable that I might just be okay? That I can deal with this without any of your help?" They weren't sure who he was trying to convince, them or himself.

"I don't believe you." Turk said flatly.

"What?" JD eyed Turk dangerously. For the first time, Turk noticed a similarity between JD and Dave. As disgusted with himself as that made him feel, he supposed it was hard to go through that for so long without picking up some of the guy's madness.

"That you're okay... I don't believe you." Turk challenged JD.

"Turk, stop it! Please." Elliot begged him.

Turk's comment obviously hit home with JD, as he snapped, shooting forwards in the bed like a wild animal.

"What the fuck would you know about it, Turk?"

Turk leaned over the bed, getting as close to JD as he could.

" BECAUSE I WAS THERE! How can you be okay? JD! How can you? You tell me that! We watched him beat the living crap outta you, he, he – he had his hands fuckin' everywhere -" JD looked down closing his eyes.

"Turk!" Carla tried to cut in.

" He _assaulted_you, JD." Elliot put her head in her hands, desperate for the ground to swallow her up. " And God only knows what happened in the bedroom! And then when he was done, he left you for dead. How the hell can you say you're fine?"

JD's eyes were filling up with tears, he tried desperately to hold them back. He couldn't help looking towards his doorway and the numerous faces who were now staring in.

"Can you speak up a little?"

Turk turned around, noticing the open door, he swore under his breath and quickly went to close it. Carla and Elliot rolled their eyes in frustration.

"I'm sorry, JD."

JD took a deep breath out and looked Turk square in the eye. Carla went to speak but he cut her off with a raise of his hand.

"This is who I am, Turk. This was my life, before I ever met you. I shouldn't have to explain myself to make you feel better about how you're feeling." Turk flinched, embarrassed at that comment.

"But JD, I just don't understand how you're okay! You are pushing us away!"

"And you are making it easy." Turk's mouth dropped open.

"What?... Why? Because I don't have your warped sense of what's _normal_?" JD ran his hand across his eyes in frustration. "Well let me tell you, JD. That's not normal! What he did, that ain't normal at all!"

"Turk -" Elliot tried to intervene but was cut off by JD.

"Well what Turk? What do you want me to do? Fall apart? Would that suit you better?" JD was seriously annoyed now and Turk was starting to feel like he was hitting his head against a brick wall.

"No, JD. No! But I don't want you think it's normal!"

"IT'S NORMAL TO ME!" Turk was shocked into silence by JD's outburst. Finally the tears broke free from JD's eyes and came rolling down his face. Elliot and Carla did not have the heart to say anything. They couldn't tell him he was right, but they didn't want to take Turk's side either. So they stayed silent, tears creeping into their own eyes. JD's spoke with a shaky voice. "10 years, Turk. 10 years. More than a third of my life spent _this_ way. I'm not saying it's right." He paused to compose himself. "But I learned how to cope, I've dealt with this since I was 8. I can deal with it now."

"But your not _coping_, you're avoiding!"

"I have to do what I have to do, Turk." JD wiped his eyes.

Carla was so desperate to say something, but she looked from JD to Turk and realised this was something they both needed to do. They weren't even recognising the fact that the ladies were in the room at all. Their complete focus and attention was on each other.

Turk shook his head in disagreement and opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped himself. As if some sort of barricade dropped in front of his thought. He looked at JD in worried shock.

"Since you were 8?" Feeling incredibly uncomfortable under Turk's scrutinising gaze, JD's lip pursed together and he nodded. "But I met you when you were just 18." JD glanced up at Turk sadly, begging him not to go there. "10 years, you said. 10 years. You were living with me in Med. School." Turk looked incredibly confused. JD rubbed his eyes again.

"Don't think about it Turk. It's not worth it."

"Oh my god." Turk's mouth dropped open again and he stared hard at JD. "The phone calls, the three times you were 'mugged' – was that _him_?" JD turned his head away, not wanting to hear it. Elliot and Carla looked in shock. "That was why you were so desperate to move out of the flat and into student accommodation?... Yeah... you, you said it was 'more secure'. Oh my god. Did it keep happening when we moved? Did he follow you?" Turk came up to JD's bedside and grabbed him around the shoulders shaking him. "Did he?"

"Turk!" Both Carla and Elliot shouted desperately.

"NO!" JD screamed, the tears falling afresh. "No, he didn't... He couldn't find me. I had enough... When I moved, I told the guys at the flats to tell him I had left. That I wasn't studying there any more. He didn't bother me again. Only because he didn't know where I was." All three friends exchanged glances of horror and disgust. "I used to see him sometimes, walking the grounds of the campus. I avoided him, obviously. Made up a story about some girl being attacked by a man matching his description. Soon as the posters went up, he must have avoided the place... I didn't see him again. Until now." Turk nodded in understanding.

"I remember that." He said quietly. He suddenly felt the need to sit down. Pulling a chair up to the bed, he sat, clearly in shock. "I remember the posters. And I remember you had some weird interest in them. I just thought it was you being 'quirky'. But the muggings... they were all him?" JD nodded, ashamed. Turk dropped his head into his hand. "Jesus."

It went quiet again for a couple of minutes, this time, no one filled the silence, they were all lost in their own thoughts.

JD was staring at nothing again, his mind was elsewhere, trapped in a memory. When he spoke his words came out monotonous and emotionless, as if he was in a trance.

" It was worse when I was older. Strange. You'd think it would be worse when I was small. But when I was bigger I used to try and fight him off. That was when I realised I wasn't very strong." He laughed a sarcastic, angry sort of laugh. "I used to try and punch him. He would just grab my arms. I think it just spurred him on. The more I'd fight, the longer it would take and the worse he'd make it."

"JD, you don't have to do this." Carla tried to interrupt but JD just kept on talking in his trance-like state. She looked desperately to Turk and Elliot.

"He enjoyed it more when I was older. He used to tie me to the bed and blindfold me when he was at his best. One time, I was like that for two days." Elliot gasped in shock.

"I can't listen to this!" She sprang from her chair and left the room leaving the door wide open.

Turk eyed his wife, worried. She grabbed hold of JD's shoulder and shook him. "JD, stop!"

"He would untie my hands sometimes-"

"JD!"

"- but never my legs. They were my only chance-"

Turk shook him desperately. "JD! Stop it, please."

"- no upper body strength, could just hold me down."

They were both violently shaking him now and he wasn't coming out of his trance. It was like he was hypnotised.

Dr. Cox just so happened to be passing the room at that moment, hearing the desperate calls from Turk and Carla, he was suddenly bounced out of the way by Dr. Kelso who had seen what was happening from the Nurse's station. Panic set in and Dr. Cox quickly followed, assuming the worst. When he entered the room, JD was sat bolt upright, pale, sweating profusely and obviously lost in some sort of mind addled state. He was constantly talking, Cox automatically switched off his recognition of the words the second he heard "On top of me." and sprung into action. Pushing Carla out of the way, he joined Kelso in getting him to lie back down. At first he wouldn't move, but he eventually lay back. They kept shaking him.

"DR. DORIAN?" Kelso shouted every few seconds. "DR. DORIAN!"

Whilst Dr. Cox went straight to his face and started slapping lightly. He then picked up his limp hand and tried there. Still no response.

"DR. DORIAN!" Kelso finally grabbed hold of JD's nose and covered his mouth. "Hold him! Cover his eyes!" He shouted to Cox. For once, he followed the older man's lead.

All of a sudden JD tensed and started to fight against the two men. Carla and Turk looked at them like they were mad. They let go as soon as he started moving.

"Get off, get OFF!" JD shouted desperately. Upon seeing Kelso, he automatically calmed down. His breathing was heavy, exhausted he dropped backwards onto his pillows closing his eyes to calm himself.

"What the hell was _that_?" Carla asked the two doctors, angrily.

"Experience, sweetheart." Replied Kelso, shutting her up immediately. "Not nice and most certainly not recommended, but kinder than leaving someone in _that_state."

"It sure is." Dr. Cox seconded that. Upon hearing Cox's voice, JD opened his eyes and turned his head to look at him. A slight flicker of nerves danced in his eyes. When Cox met his gaze, his expression finally softened. "Okay, everyone out now. He needs rest."

Carla shakily reached over and took his hand and stroked his forehead. She moved in to kiss him, finding no objections she placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"See you later, Bambi."

Turk moved in to his bedside, unsure how to approach him.

"And I'll see you soon, man..." He reached his hand towards JD's then paused... trusting his original instincts, he patted his hand in a sort of 'take care' gesture. JD smiled at the gesture, as he knew Turk wasn't a one for touchy feely affection.

"Get some rest Dr. Dorian." Ordered Kelso. JD nodded.

As Turk, Carla and Kelso left the room, JD's gaze landed on Dr. Cox again. Cox moved closer to his bedside, staring down at the bed sheets rather sheepishly. Eventually he managed to speak.

"I'm sorry." When JD didn't answer, he looked up to find him still watching. This time he looked right into his eyes, "I'm sorry." JD managed a small - but genuine – smile. "Now get some rest, we'll talk in a couple of hours."

JD had already closed his eyes, exhausted both physically and mentally. Perry stood with him for a few minutes until he was sure his protegé was asleep. He then left the room, only to be greeted by two cops.

"Is that John Dorian?" They pointed into his room.

"Not right now. He's had enough for one day, thank you. You will have to come back later." He went to close the door to his room when Kelso stopped him.

"Perry, no! Leave it." Cox furrowed his brows at Kelso, but once again followed his request. Kelso approached the two police officers and led them down the hall to a room where they could talk. Turning back to the other three, he asked, "you coming?"


End file.
